Futurama - 3x01 - The Honking.en.srt (DOWNLOAD SUBTITLES)
The Honking
Notify his survivors.
B-E-N-D-E-R
Bender
B-E-N-D-E-R, Bender
Saying B-E-N-D!
Mail call!
Amy, your designer lingerie catalog.
Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade. And Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.
You buy once, you're on the list forever.
And for Bender. . . . A black-bordered envelope.
Someone you know must have died.
I hope it was one of my enemies. Those guys suck.
Oh, no! My uncle Vladimir!
I'm sorry. When's the funeral?
Tomorrow, at the family castle. Followed by the reading of his will.
Well, I'm rich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always hated!
Come on! It'll be fun.
Pardon me, my good simpleton.
Could you take us to yon castle?
Some say unholy things happen up there.
For example, all of us say that.
Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.
Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.
With your science, are you closer to understanding. . .
. . .the mystery of how a robot walks or talks?
Yes, you idiot! The circuit diagram is here on the inside of your case.
I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
I will go this far and no further.
And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth.
Filings to filings. Rust to rust.
To my loyal butler, You There, for decades of service. . .
. . .I leave a pittance to be paid in 20 installments. . .
. . .of 1 /20th of a pittance each.
To my lazy, spoiled son, Tandy, who never learned the value of a dollar. . .
. . .I leave my entire $1 0 million fortune.
-Is that a lot? -To my loving nephew, Bender. . .
. . .if he's not responsible for my death, I leave my castle.
Let's stay there tonight!
On condition that he spend one night in it.
Oh, man! There's always a catch.
I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table. . .
. . .quiet, well-behaved spiders, graveyard-adjacent.
Yep, it's gonna be--
-What is it? -That painting's eyes are watching me!
Motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors.
So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although. . . .
-What's that? -I don't know, but it's infectious.
No doubt about it. This place is haunted.
Don't be silly, man. The last ghost died 200 years ago.
The last human ghost. But robot ghosts?
"01 01 1 001 01 . " What does it mean?
It's just gibberish.
" 1 01 001 1 01 0?! "
Uncle Vladimir!
Come, Bender. You'll like being dead.
They said that about being alive!
Join us.
Join us.
Join us.
Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly shielded coffins.
Their programs leaked into the wiring through this old modem. . .
. . .allowing them to project themselves as holograms.
Of course! It was so obvious!
That sequence of words I said made perfect sense.
We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.
Bender, wake up!
He's okay! Quick, does anyone have any liquor?
Bender, what happened?
Somebody ran me over! And not with a normal hover car.
It crept along on round rubber feet, like a wolf!
Poor Bender. Seeing things.
You've been drinking too much. Or too little.
Anyway, not the right amount.
Maybe he has. Look at these tracks.
I think Bender may be telling the truth.
Bender, you look awful. I prescribe makeup.
Here! It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case.
I just need sleep. I had nightmares about cars running people over.
Many dream of a fresh new look.
And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true.
Look! They found those same rubbery tracks in New New York.
A hit-and-run by the robot porno theater.
Robot porno theater? I was in that general area last night.
Whoever ran me down out on the moors followed me back here!
No one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big hallucinating baby.
Yeah? Could a big hallucinating baby do this?
I'm scared!
I don't know which I like more, smashing cars or faces.
Lucky you won't decide tonight. Come on. It's church tomorrow.
Did you hear something?
It was probably just a golden marmoset.
Don't sound like no golden marmoset I ever heard.
Made it.
So, what are you wearing tomorrow?
Where. . .? What the. . .?
Transmission fluid? Where have I been? What happened?
Gets out of here, youse lousy bum!
-Please, I'm scared. -We all are. It's the human condition.
That's why I put on this tough guy facade. Now beat it!
I passed out around midnight, much earlier than usual.
When I woke up, I found these in my chest cabinet.
Relax. You were probably just shooting big fuzzy craps.
No! I think I may have hurt someone.
Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous meltdown.
You're scaring me. You're going wacko!
Right. I need professional help. And damn the expense!
Damn the expense!
You have nothing to worry about.
Except a nightmarish life of unremitting horror!
For you see, you are a were-car.
A were-car?
The car that ran you down was a were-car.
It beamed the virus to you through its demonic headlights!
That's crazy.
Yes. So crazy that it must be true!
Each midnight, when your clock resets to 0. . .
. . .your hardware reconfigures into a murderous car.
I can't keep running people over.
I'm not famous enough to get away with it. Help me!
Yes. But you must be willing to pay a terrible price.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Follow me.
Based on this ancient "read me" file. . .
. . .your only hope is to destroy the first were-car.
I'm with you.
In its death throes, the car will beam out the virus' uninstall program. . .
. . .ridding you of the curse.
Otherwise, I can never die?
Sure you can die! You want to die?
No! There's still too many things I don't own!
Then live on. Forever cursed!
Each night, your attacks will become more gruesome. . .
. . .until one dark night you are doomed to kill your dearest friend.
I wouldn't want to be me.
Now go. Go!
Could one of you just--? Ah, forget it. I'll just sleep here.
There. No rampaging for you tonight.
What about welding everyone except me to the wall?
Just relax. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have breakfast. . .
. . .and go hunt down that ancient evil.
It'll be a rich, full day.
I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month and freeze them.
-Bender, no! -Fry, stay back!
You jerk! I thought I was your best friend!
What kind of two-timing kill-mobile are you?
He's supposed to murder his closest friend, which was me.
But he went for you, not even trying to second-degree-murder me.
Could you help me? Bender crushed my foot.
Stop rubbing it in!
Oh, God! Fry, I'm so glad to see you. Did I hurt you?
Not physically. Why not ask your new best friend Leela?
-I tried to run you over? -It was very sweet of you.
It doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two.
Words. Nothing but sweet words turning into bitter orange wax in my ears.
Enough with the feelings.
To cure Bender, we've got to hunt down the original were-car.
-Cursed. Got it. -Whatever.
-The tracks lead here. -Thanks, eagle eye.
It's daylight. He should be in robot form.
But be careful. Many robots are stupid and violent.
I wish I was stupid and violent. We'd see what's what. I'd pound him till--
Get ye to your houses, ye ignorant villagers!
We aren't ignorant villagers. We're sophisticated New New Yorkers.
Whup his butt!
Stop! What are ye doing?
Whaling on the original were-car, which is you, jerk!
-Ye think me be he? -Sl.
Nee. I mean no.
I was given the curse many a year ago. . .
. . .while on a bird watching trip to The Arctic.
I was attacked by a vicious motorized sled.
The natives called it the abominable snowmobile.
It's true. I ran over that bird-watching jerk and 1 00 others.
Even my best friend from aromatherapy school.
I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me.
Alas, I'm not the original were-car.
I got the curse while taking a class from a famous robot actor.
You know him as...
... Calculon.
O fate most cruel, would that my acting skills. . .
. . .might avail me a sword to slay this wretched curse.
-Let's kick him! -Let me explain.
It all began one fateful night 1 000 years ago.
Whoa, whoa! You're 1 000 years old? Your bio says you're 27.
Lies! I change my identity and appearance. . .
. . .every decade to avoid suspicion.
I was all of history's great acting robots.
Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, David Duchovny.
Are you the first were-car or not?
No. But you're near the end of your search.
I was attacked by the original were-car.
Give us a name, MacButt!
The year was 201 9, and I was just a lowly roboton working. . .
...in an automotive research lab.
I was working on Project Satan...
...a savage car built from the evil parts of the world's most evil cars.
The steering wheel from Hitler's car, the signal from Charles Manson 's VW.
-Knight Rider's windshield wipers. -Knight Rider wasn't evil.
His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up in the show.
Only after finishing Project Satan...
...did they discover they had made a horrible mistake.
For you see, it was pure evil.
What happened to Project Satan?
It's either in Paris or much more likely...
...still in the abandoned automotive lab.
Distract the were-car. . .
. . .and I'll kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
There it is.
It looks so unhappy.
Excuse me, are you Project Satan?
Don't be afraid. We know what you are.
You do?
Would you like us to put you out of your misery?
Misery? What misery? I love killing people!
Squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard!
Look, everyone loves killing people, but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
Oh, no! It's midnight!
Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good.
Fry, distract him!
Hey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm a blind pedestrian. 20 points!
Oh, no! There's no exhaust pipe!
That's right, thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor. . .
. . .the most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
Take whichever one you want.
Oh, boy! I feel like a car in a candy store!
Yes! He chose me! He's trying to kill me!
Leela, I'm so happy!
Oh, thanks, Bender.
Too tight! Too tight!
Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry?
I must have killed him! He's my best friend and I killed him!
I never felt so empty inside.
Bender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt me at all!
But I know you wanted to. And that's what matters.
Here's to you.
That's my last beer, you bastard! I'll kill you!
I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too.