Looney Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie.HI.srt (DOWNLOAD SUBTITLES)
[BUGS READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
Noble Knights of the Round Table...
[ARTHUR CLEARS THROAT]
...ever since the accursed Black Knight captured our singing sword...
...evil times hath befallen us.
[CLEARS THROAT]
One of ye knights must recover the singing sword.
The Black Knight has a fire-breathing dragon.
But-- But-- But-- But the Black Knight is invincible.
Odds bodkins.
Hath the Knights of the Round Table turned chicken?
[CLUCKlNG]
[LAUGHlNG]
Only a fool would go after the singing sword.
A good idea, fool.
Wha--?
Unless you bring back the singing sword, you will be put to the rack...
...burned at the stake and beheaded.
Be-- Be-- Beheaded?
[LAUGHlNG]
[SOBBlNG]
[SNORlNG]
[SNORlNG]
[SNEEZlNG]
You crazy, idiot, bedraggled dragon.
I warned you about letting your fire get low.
Now you caught cold.
[SNORlNG]
So this is the singing sword.
Big deal.
I wonder why they call it the singing sword.
[SWORD SlNGlNG]
BLACK KNlGHT: Drop that sword, varmint.
quick, the singing sword's been stolen.
Wake up, fire-breathing lizard.
Stop breathing on me, you idiot.
Heh-heh. That was simple.
[YELLlNG]
Whoa, dragon, whoa.
Whoa!
Stupid dragon.
How's the water, doc?
Open that bridge, varmint! Open it, I say!
Close it! Close it! Close it up again!
Okay, rabbit, you forced me to use force.
Hyah! Hyah, dragon! Hyah, dragon! Hyah, dragon, hyah!
Prepare yourself, rabbit!
I'm a-coming over the wall!
[THUD]
[SPLASH]
You'll pay for this, varmint.
Now, let's see if I remember.
Head down, left arm stiff.
[SNEEZES]
Ow!
You idiot.
[SNEEZES]
[GASPlNG]
No, no, don't sneeze, you stupid dragon, or you'll blow us to the moon.
[DRAGON SNEEZES]
Dragons is so stupid.
Adios, have a nice trip, bon voyage, farewell to thee.
[SWORD SlNGlNG "ALOHA 'OE"]
[BUGS READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
BUGS: He got an Oscar and I got a carrot.
So without further ado, in three acts...
... welcome to Friz Freleng's Looney Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie.
Starring, heh-heh-heh, little old me.
Eh, what's up, doc?
You're despicable.
Suffering succotash.
Oh, I thought I saw a pussycat.
The name's Porky Pig.
BUGS: Eh, when Hollywood was just a kid...
...the whole world fell in love with the wacky and wonderful slapstick comedy.
It was the time of baggy-pants comics and far-out gags.
Then Warner Bros. gave the world Merrie Melodies and Looney Tunes.
Friz Freleng and his fellow innovators...
... created some of the wildest, zaniest, looniest characters...
... to ever appear on the silver screen, and the baggy-pants comics was out.
As Charlie Chaplin himself once said, "How can we compete?
These guys don 't have to stop to take a breath. "
Then from the magic pen of Friz Freleng...
... came a warm-hearted, humble little introvert called Yosemite Sam.
Any one of you lily-livered, bowlegged varmints care to slap leather with me?
In case any of you get any ideas, you better know who you're dealing with.
I'm the hootinest, tootinest, shootinest, bobtailed wildcat in the West.
I'm the fastest gun north, south, east and west of the Pecos.
Well, hello there.
SAM: "Local widow inherits $50 million."
Fifty million dollars.
Ooh. Hmm.
That widow ought to get married.
When I get my hands on that money...
...I'll buy the old-ladies' home and kick the old ladies out.
I'll have the orphans' home torn down and I'll get rid of the police department.
[LAUGHS]
Eh. That evil character's after that nice old lady's money.
Looks like this Boy Scout's gonna do his good deed for today.
Ooh! Oh, it's chilly in here.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
Coming, coming.
I want you, baby.
Your eyes, your lips.
Come with me to the Casbah.
We'll make beautiful music together.
[PLAYlNG "SWEET GEORGlA BROWN"]
[GRANNY GlGGLlNG]
Come to Papa, baby.
Land's sake, nothing like this has happened to me...
...since the boys got back from Gettysburg.
Oh, boy. Oh, goodness.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
Oh, goodness, someone's at the door.
Hey, don't go away. I'll be right back.
[lN FRENCH ACCENT] Aha! I find you, my little pigeon.
Fly with me to Paris.
[GRANNY GlGGLlNG]
GRANNY: Oh, my.
Oh, 20 years, nothing, and then it all piles up in one day.
Oh, no. Oh, goodness gracious.
Eh, what is up, Monsieur le physician?
You darned dude. I'll give you a taste of leather.
Ha! You have insulted the great lover.
The Marquis of Queensberry rules.
Take this.
-Oh! -Pistols at 10 paces?
You're on.
-En garde? -I'm ready.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine and a half...
...nine and three-quarters, nine and three-sixteenths...
...eleven-sixteenths, twelve-sixteenths, 10.
[HORN BLARES]
[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Yep, he's right on time.
Ooh. What a night.
Open up. Open up that door!
[lMlTATlNG GRANNY] Coming. Coming.
Now I got--
Emma.
[SAM CHUCKLlNG]
Oh, you're cute.
[NOSE HONKS] [BUGS GlGGLlNG]
Yahoo!
[BUGS GlGGLlNG]
BUGS: Oh, my.
Heavens to Betsy, he's looped.
Now, here, you better sit down while I fix you a cup of black coffee.
Now, I'll be back with your coffee in a jiffy.
Tsk-tsk-tsk. Oh, that's too bad. He seemed like a nice little man.
-One or two lumps? -Make it two.
Two? Okay. One, two.
[GlGGLlNG]
Oh, my.
Here's your coffee. One or two lumps?
-Aah! -That's how many.
Oh! He flipped his lid.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Great horny toads.
Wait, Emmy. Wait.
I'm sorry. Open up, Emmy.
Don't you come near me.
Aw, come on, Emmy.
[GUNSHOT]
[WHlSTLES]
Emmy.
You're cute. Let's elope.
Okay, you get to the window. I'll get a ladder.
I want to take a few things along.
Catch.
That dame's taking everything but the kitchen sink.
Don't forget the money, Emmy.
[BARKlNG]
[SATAN LAUGHlNG]
Well, hello there.
Where am l?
Oh, it's powerful hot in here.
Hey, is this Dallas?
No, but you're close.
And what is your name, little man?
It's Yosemite Sam.
Yosemite Sam.
Now, let's see.
Yosemite Sam. Yosemit-- Ah.
Here you are. Oh, my.
My goodness, you have been a bad boy, haven't you?
The-- The devil made me do it.
I mean, that rabbit made me do it.
Knock it off, Sam.
I can't stand to see a grown man cry.
I'll stop crying if you send me back.
Hmm.
I'll send you back on one condition.
You've got to bring somebody back to replace you.
Oh, I will, I will. In fact, I've already got the very varmint in mind.
I'll send you back as a Roman captain of the guards.
-I'll take it. I'll take it. -Then it's a deal.
Shake. Ow!
Ooh! Ow, ow! Oh, oh, oh! Ow! Ooh! Ow, ow! Oh!
Oh, that's hot.
Yeah. When you're hot, you're hot.
Okay, back you go.
By gum, he did it.
I'm back in Rome.
Fall in. Forward harch.
Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four.
Eh.
What's that?
-A parade. Oh, boy, I love parades. SAM: Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two....
Hmm.
Get that rabbit.
Charge!
Oops.
Giddap, giddap, giddap, mule! Hyah, hyah! Hyah, mule!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, mule. Whoa, mule. Whoa.
[CRASH]
Now, where'd that skunk of a rabbit go?
[ROARS]
Why, you mangy, fang-tooth critter, take that.
Maybe that'll learn you to keep your big mouth shut.
That fur-bearing varmint's around here somewheres.
[ROARS]
How many times do I have to tell you...
...to shut up?
[ROARS]
Wait till I lay my hands on that varmint.
I'll--
[CRASHlNG]
[SNORlNG]
[TlCKlNG]
[ALARM RlNGlNG]
[LlONS ROARlNG]
How now, brown cow?
No long-eared galoot can outfox the captain of the guards.
Okay, rabbit, now let's see who's the smartest.
Oh, it looks like you outsmarted me.
Oh, woe is me.
Ah, shut up!
Here, lions.
[TOOLS SAWlNG]
[LlONS ROARlNG]
I hate rabbits.
I better get out of here while the getting's good.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
[ROARlNG]
[LlONS ROARlNG]
You back already?
Where's your replacement?
You gotta give me another chance.
I'll get a replacement, honest.
-See that you do. -I'll get the critter this time.
I'll send him to hell.
Oh, pardon my language.
Here you go.
What am I doing on this humpbacked mule?
Great horny toads.
I'd recognize them flat feet anywhere.
Hyah, mule! Hyah, hyah, hyah!
Whoa, camel, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, camel, whoa!
Aw, come on, whoa.
When I say "whoa," I mean "whoa."
[SlNGlNG]
Now I hope that'll learn you, you humpbacked muley.
Eh, what's up, doc?
You with the sideshow around here?
I'm no doc, you flea-bitten varmint.
I'm Riff-Raff Sam.
The riffiest riff that ever riffed a raft.
Your slip is showing.
Why, you.
Whoo!
Follow that rabbit. Giddyap.
Come on, camel, giddyap. Giddyap.
Hyah, hyah, hyah. Camel, giddyap. Giddy--
When I say "giddyap," I mean "giddyap."
[CAMEL BRAYS]
Whoa, camel, whoa. Whoa.
Whoa! Whoa, camel!
A car. Boy, what a break.
[ENGlNE STALLlNG]
What a spot to pick for a mirage.
SAM: Whoa, camel, whoa! Whoa!
[THUD]
When I say "whoa," I mean "whoa."
[POUNDlNG ON DOOR]
SAM: Open the door. Open it up.
Open it, open it.
I could've swore I heard somebody knocking.
Mm, oh, well.
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Arab.
Uh-oh.
Hyah, mule! Hyah, hyah, hyah, mule!
Hyah!
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
[DOORS OPENlNG]
[DOORS OPENlNG]
I wonder if he's stubborn enough to open all those doors.
[EXPLOSlON]
You just had to open every door, didn't you?
I'll be right back. I'll get that bucktooth, flop-eared, slimy varmint this time...
...or my name ain't Yosemite Sam.
That elevator only goes one way: down.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Maybe I better send you back my way.
[PlANO PLAYlNG]
Any one of you lily-livered, bowlegged varmints care to slap leather with me?
In case any of you get any ideas, you better know who you're dealing with.
I'm the hootinest, tootinest, shootinest, bobtailed wildcat in the West.
I'm the fastest gun north, south, east and west of the Pecos.
-I'm the-- BUGS: Eh, shut up.
Did I hear someone say "shut up"?
Yup.
Stranger, you just yupped yourself into a hole in the head.
You been eating onions.
And you're gonna be eating lead.
I'm a-warning you, stranger.
I think it's fair to warn you, I swing a fair shooting iron myself.
You see that church bell out there?
I'll carom a shot off it, then off that water tower...
...through the window, off the bottle on this bar...
...then part your hair right down the middle.
[CLANGlNG]
-Ha! You missed. -Wait.
You call that shooting?
I'll show you some real shooting.
Now, beat that, varmint.
Gee, that's tough...
...but I'll try.
That does it.
I'm a-blasting you.
I kind of figured you'd like to settle this in a gentleman-like manner.
Gentlemen? Well, that's against my principals, but it's a deal.
Ten paces, turn and fire.
-All right? -All right.
One, two, three, four, five, 10.
Ooh, get back, varmint.
Ooh, cut it out.
No more gentlemen stuff. From now on, you fight my way.
Dirty.
[TRAlN WHlSTLE BLOWlNG]
Five-fifteen?
I'll take care of you later. I gotta catch a train.
And rob it.
Get back there, rabbit.
I'm a-gonna rob that train.
And I'm gonna save that train.
If you don't get back, I'll blast you at the count of five.
One, two, three, four--
You stupid horse.
Get a-going.
Now, this time, I'm only gonna count to three.
One, two--
You double-crossing rabbit, you cut down your chances.
I'm only gonna count two and then blast you.
One, two--
[SAM SCREAMS]
Hyah, hyah, hyah! Hyah, hyah, hyah!
Ha! This'll stop him.
You better stop your train, rabbit.
You better stop your train.
Well, I'm not stopping mine.
And I'm not stopping mine.
Oh, yeah?
We'll see who'll chicken out first.
[WHlSTLE BLOWlNG]
[WHlSTLES BLOWlNG]
Well, well, well, look who just dropped in.
You must like it down here.
No, no, I hate it.
Oh, I am terribly disappointed in you.
However, I'm giving you just one more chance.
Oh, no, you're not.
If you want him, you can get him yourself.
I'm staying.
[LAUGHlNG]
BUGS: Eh, the Roaring Twenties brought on the cops-and-robbers movies...
...and audiences flocked into the theaters to see their favorites.
FBI Agent Ness was brought in to clean up the crime.
He became a public hero.
Friz Freleng decided that whatever Ness could do...
...I could do better.
MAN: From this point on, you will have to be on your own.
You will be known to the department as Elegant Mess.
BUGS: Then I went ahead and made a Ness of myself.
Taxi.
Look, fellas, how many times do I have to tell you?
I haven't got a cold.
Heh-heh-heh. This is fun, Rocky.
NARRATOR: In the wee hours of the morning...
...the mobsters' car was seen driving out to the pier at Lake Michigan.
They drove away figuring they had disposed of Mess permanently...
...but they had not figured on his ingenuity.
The boys decided to throw a party celebrating Rocky's birthday...
...and the removal of Agent Mess.
Among those attending were Jack "Legs " Rhinestone...
...Baby Face Half-Nelson, Pizza-Puss Lasagna...
...Pistol-Nose Pringle...
...and Teeth Malloy.
Rocky, we want to present to you a token of our esteem.
Hi, suckers.
Who's the broad?
She's some looker, eh, Rocky?
Oh, what happened, Rocky?
You bonehead.
You know, you're a lucky broad.
I like you.
Stop the music.
Stop. Stop the music.
Stop the music.
Turn on the light, Mugsy.
Turn it off, quick.
You lunkhead.
Now, you get over here and I'll turn on the light.
Then let him have it.
MUGSY: Okay, Rocky.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[MACHlNERY WHlRRlNG]
Gee, this is fun, Rocky. Just like in the amusement park.
ROCKY: Shut up.
The way I work this thing, you'd think I knew something about it.
[POPPlNG]
NARRATOR: On August 19th, Rocky was brought before Judge Hugo Straight...
...in Superior Court Number 5, State of Illinois.
Has the defendant been read his rights?
Eh, I read him his rights, Your Honor, didn't l, Clancy?
He surely did, Your Honor, didn't he, O'Hara?
Aye, he did. I myself heard it, didn't you, Bugs?
[lN lRlSH ACCENT] Aye, that I did.
I read him every right the rascal had coming, didn't l, Clancy?
Oh, that's just it, lad. You certainly did. Didn't he, O'Hara?
All right. All right already.
Does the defendant have anything to say before I pronounce sentence?
One moment. I want to present to the court a writ of habeas corpus...
...a writ of corpus delicti and a writ of ad nauseam...
...charging that my client is deprived of his rights of ipso facto...
...Iux et veritas and e pluribus unum.
And I insist on his immediate release...
...under the precedence set by Section 8, Paragraph 95...
...of Rogers v. Semper Fidelis.
Case dismissed.
Thank you.
[ROCKY CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR: It wasn't long before Rocky was up to his old tricks again.
[ALARM RlNGlNG]
All right, Mugsy, step on the gas.
Come back here, dimwit.
Wait for me, stupid. Stop.
NARRATOR: Agent Mess lost track of Rocky's new hideout.
Then an event took place that aroused his interest.
[HEN CLUCKlNG]
Jumping juniper, what's all the rumpus?
[HENS CLUCKlNG]
Jumping juniper, a golden egg.
Twenty-four-karat solid gold. I'm rich. I'm rich.
Who's responsible? Who's responsible? Who did this?
Uh, I know who it was. It was me.
But I'm no fool.
I know what happened to the goose that laid the golden egg.
Well, come on now, don't be bashful. Who did it?
Oh, I know who did it.
He did it.
[HENS CLUCKlNG]
Okay, so I laid an egg.
ROCKY: "Worth a fortune to owner."
Hey, that's better than the numbers racket.
Hey, boys.
We're going in the poultry business.
NARRATOR: Agent Mess figured that this was just the sort of inducement...
... that would lure Rocky out of hiding.
But-- But-- But I don't wanna sell him.
They talked me into it.
Say, what's going on around here? What's the big idea?
All right, duck, make with a golden egg.
Egg, shmeg, I can't lay no egg.
I said, lay an egg, duck.
Oh, heh-heh, well, you see, I can't lay no egg just anywhere.
I'm an artist.
I've gotta have atmosphere, beautiful surroundings.
Yeah?
Okay, boys, make with the atmosphere.
Now, this is more like it.
Cut it.
All right, duck, about that egg.
Oh, yeah, the egg.
A little later on, possibly. I'm not in the mood right now.
-Nick. -Okay, boss.
[DAFFY PANTlNG]
It was ghastly.
The deck just seemed to lift up under my feet.
Then I was in the water.
Black oily water.
I struggled.
Okay, duck, no more stalling, see.
You got just five minutes to lay that egg or:
[lMlTATES GUNSHOTS]
Well, I'll see what I can do, but I gotta have privacy.
I never lay eggs in public.
Okay, duck.
But remember...
...five minutes.
Four minutes.
[THUD]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
Your laundry, sir.
Three minutes.
[CLOCK TlCKlNG]
Two minutes.
[CLOCK TlCKlNG]
[CLOCK CHlMlNG]
No egg?
[GULPS]
Uh-uh.
ROCKY: So long, pal.
[STAMMERlNG]
[GUNSHOT]
Huh?
That just goes to show you...
...you don't know what you can do till you got a gun against your head.
Well, toodles. See you around.
Just a minute, duck.
Fill them up.
[WHlSTLE BLOWS]
[COPS CHATTERlNG]
[DAFFY PANTlNG]
COP 1 : We had you pegged all the time.
COP 2: Thought you could get away with it, eh?
Is there anything we can get for you, old chap?
Yes, get me a proctologist right away.
NARRATOR: The headlines proclaimed...
...a loophole in the law had freed Rocky again.
BUGS: Extra, read all about it: Tweety Bird missing.
Bird gets the bird.
Read all about it: Million-dollar bird gone.
NARRATOR: Mess swore Sylvester in as a special agent...
... to snoop around the back alleys of the underworld...
... for signs of the missing Tweety.
Oh, ow! Ooh, ooh! Ow! Ooh, ooh!
MAN [ON RADlO] : Police authorities believe...
... Tweety Bird is being held for ransom by the notorious Rocky and his gang.
And if you are listening to this broadcast, Rocky, remember:
[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] Don 't hurt the bird.
-Turn that off, Nick. -Okay, Rocky, anything you say.
Those bad old gangsters.
Nasty old kidnappers.
I wonder where someone would go about hiding a kidnapped bird.
[TWEETlNG]
Say, that must be the missing kidnappee...
...and where there's a kidnappee, the kidnappers must be close by.
Oh, goody, goody.
Look at that nice pussycat trying to save me.
Hey, boss, I thought I saw a pussycat.
You did, you did see a pussycat.
[CRASH]
I slipped.
Oh! Oh, there you are, pussy. Oh, hide me, hide me, quick.
Here, hide here. They'll never find you in here.
Oh, thank you.
Not so hard.
NlCK: Hey, Rocky, the bird's gone.
He must be out here some place.
Okay, pussycat, where is it, the bird?
Oh, yeah?
Search the pussycat, Nick.
NlCK: Okay, boss.
[SYLVESTER YELLlNG]
SYLVESTER: No.
Okay, bird, the jig is up.
Hey, boss, this is all I could find.
Okay, cat, get your package and scram.
[EXPLOSlON]
You dirty guys.
[SlRENS WAlLlNG]
COP: Okay, Rocky, open up now. We gotcha.
Cheese it, the cops. Hide the bird, quick.
[BANGlNG ON DOOR]
COP: All right, Rocky, down to the station house with you.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hold it.
We are gathered here today to pay homage to this magnificent cat...
...who fought his natural instincts to save this little bird. Yes.
And now, gentlemen, you may take your pictures of the cat kissing the little bird.
Come on, cat, kiss the little birdie.
Come on, pussycat, kiss the little birdie.
Oh, he's a bad pussycat.
NARRATOR: On October 28...
...Agent Mess slapped the handcuffs on Rocky and Mugsy...
...and brought them to justice.
They were sentenced to 20 years of hard labor...
... which was a little tough on Agent Mess...
... who was never able to find the keys to his handcuffs.
BUGS: Ah, this is Hollywood, city of winners.
Winners of Oscars, Emmys and Grammys.
Friz Freleng won five Academy Awards and two Emmys.
Me? I got a carrot.
When I complained to Friz, he said, "Don 't bother me. I'm creating. "
So he created the Oswald Awards just for us cartoon actors.
Now, tonight, you 're gonna witness this exciting event.
Hello, greetings and hi.
Heh-heh. Tonight l' m going to interview some of these cartoony celebrities.
That is, if I can find one.
Here's one now, even as I speak.
It's that little stinker Pepé Le Pew...
...the greatest lover to ever appear on the silver screen.
And off the screen too, n'est pas?
Say something to your fans, Mr. Pepé Le--
P-yew!
Gee. Heh-heh.
Boy, I must say, meeting you has been a breathtaking experience.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
Well, look who's here.
It's Parker Pig.
The name's Porky Pig.
DOG: Who's your friends?
The three--
Two little pigs plus one.
-Show biz folks, huh? -No, they're build--
They're contractors.
-I built my house of straw. -I built my house of sticks.
I built my house of bricks.
I must say, looks like you're all living high on the hog.
[LAUGHlNG]
Little pig joke there.
Don't I know you?
Now, don't tell me. Let me see, I'll get it, I'll get it.
-It's Big Bad, Big Bad-- -Wolf.
No, no, no. I don't believe it was "Wolf."
Half the sound. It may end with an F, but not "Wolf."
I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I'm in the demolition business.
I huff, and I puff, and I blow their houses down.
Hmm. Sound like a good business to me and no overhead.
Now, there's some fancy feathers for you.
[SCREAMlNG]
SAM: Whoa, horse, whoa.
Well, now, if it ain't that rip-roaring, bronchial-busting Wild Bill Hickok.
I came here to win one of them Oswalds.
I'll tell you, Tex, you got a fifty-fifty chance.
Either you win or you lose, like Sam Stone.
Well, just in case, I brought along a little winner's insurance.
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
Oh, look. Here comes that famous store pigeon, Henery Hawk.
It's Tweety Pie.
Howdy, Mr. Pie.
Oh, I thought I saw a pussycat.
"l thought I saw a pussycat." Ha.
Isn't it time you saw something else? Stupid bird.
[TlRES SCREECHlNG]
Well, here comes that Looney Tuney duck.
It's me, Daffy Duck in person.
Famous star of stage, screen and television.
Please, hold down your applause, my ears can only stand so much.
[SPARSE APPLAUSE AND CRlCKETS CHlRPlNG]
Just for that, no autographs.
Oh. Oh. Oh, heartbeat, heartbeat.
And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for...
...here's that lovable star, a favorite around the world...
...Mr. Show Business himself...
...Mr. Bugs Dummy.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
What a scene-stealer, stepping on my applause.
Trying to upstage me, as if that were humanly possible.
Eh, what's up, duck?
You're despicable.
I hate you.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
[lMlTATES GROUCHO MARX] Say the secret word and win an Oswald.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Eh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are gathered here to award the Oswald to that actor...
...who has given the world so much joy.
We know who that's going to be, don't we, Granny?
You tell me, I'm too modest.
We will select this outstanding star from one of the many qualified artists...
...to receive this coveted award.
Stop teasing the audience, you stupid rabbit.
Read my name.
The first nomination is the Big Bad Wolf.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
I wanna thank you and my three supporting actors wanna thank you.
Say thanks to the audience, piggies.
ALL: Thanks.
That's enough, now sit down.
They nominate that wolf for acting?
Heh. He couldn't call his dog and make it believable.
Okay, Charlie, roll it.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG ON FlLM]
NARRATOR [SlNGlNG]: Remember the story of Three Little Pigs
One played a pipe And the other danced jigs
The Three Little Pigs are still around
But they're playing music With a modern sound
Three Little Pigs were in the groove
Everything was runnin ' smooth
The pigs were due for a big surprise
For the wolf appeared With red-rimmed eyes
Oh, you 're cool Oh, you 're cool
Oh, you 're cool, man, cool
NARRATOR: Well, to show he was friendly
He shook their hand
Announced he was joinin ' up With the band
Instead of startin ' an argument
A-one and a-two and away they went
[PLAYlNG OFF-KEY]
The Three Little Pigs were really gassed
They'd never heard such a corny blast
-We've played in the west. -We've played in the east.
We've heard the most, but you're the least.
Well, the Big Bad Wolf was really mad
He wanted to play music And he wanted to play bad
They stopped me before I could go to town...
...so I'll huff, and puff, and blow their house down.
NARRATOR: The House of Straw was blown away
The pigs had to find Another place to play
At Dew Drop Inn The House of Sticks
The Three Little Pigs were givin ' out licks
Well, the piano-playin ' pig Was swingin ' like a gate
Doin ' Liberace on an 88
I wish my brother George was here.
Three Little Pigs were havin ' a ball
When the Big Bad Wolf He entered the hall
The Big Bad Wolf, he sat right down
Come on, cats, we' re going to town.
[PLAYlNG OFF-KEY]
Hey, l' m out of sight.
From the crowd came an angry shout
ALL: Stop the music. Throw this square out.
Big Bad Wolf was really sore
If they're gonna get tough, I'll give them more.
They don't know talent in this here town.
I'll huff, and puff, and blow the place down.
Dew Drop Inn did drop down
The Three Little Pigs Crawled out of the rubble
This Big Bad Wolf gives us nothing but trouble.
So we won 't be bothered by his windy tricks--
The next place we play must be made of bricks.
NARRATOR: Sturdy place, this house of bricks
Built in 1776
High-class place with a high-class crowd
Sign on the door "No Wolves Allowed"
The wolf was sore and fit to be tied
He was sworn And determined to get inside
He huffed and puffed At the house of bricks
But bricks are stronger Than straw or sticks
He huffed and puffed And bleeped and blooped
And at 10: 00 was completely pooped
When all of a sudden came a ray of hope
I could disguise myself. Boy, what a dope.
How do you like that, sister?
He's running the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
If you don't shut that yellow beak of yours, I'll shut it for you.
I'd like to see you try it.
This beak of mine is gonna keep flapping as long as--
Maybe that'll shut you up for a while.
I suppose you think that's funny.
ALL: None of us think that.
Watch it, pigs.
I'll show those pigs that I'm not stuck. If I can't blow it down, I'll blow it up.
NARRATOR: Well, the Big Bad Wolf was really gone
And with him went his corny horn
Went out of this world without a trace
Didn 't go to heaven Was the other place
The Big Bad Wolf, he learned the rule.
You gotta get hot to play real cool.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
Eh, for the next nomination...
...we have two of Hollywood's most popular stars...
...Tweety Pie and Sylvester.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
Thanks a lot.
Thank you. Thank you for this great honor.
Here's a few scenes of Tweety and Sylvester at their best.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
[DOOR CREAKS]
TWEETY: I thought I saw a pussycat.
[CAGE OPENS]
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
If I were you, I'd put him back.
It can only lead to self-destruction.
It only takes one bird to start you...
...and before you know it, it's two birds, then three.
Suddenly, without realizing it, you're a victim.
Then, one day, the end of the road.
[SYLVESTER GULPS]
If you really want to beat this, look us up.
We can help you.
Our new member has come to us for help.
Would someone volunteer to tell what BA has done for him?
I was a three-bird-a-day pussycat until BA helped me.
[CATS APPLAUDlNG]
Being on a bird kick cost me five homes.
BA helped me solve my problem.
[CATS APPLAUDlNG]
Fellow members...
...from now on my motto is "Birds is strictly for the birds."
[CATS APPLAUDlNG]
[HUMMlNG]
Good morning, my little feathered friend.
I got it beat. My willpower is indomitable.
Sylvester, you are really a hypocrite.
Let's see what's cooking on TV.
MAN [ON TV] : After basting, you 'll find your bird will come out golden-brown.
Every succulent morsel will simply melt in your mouth.
[PANTlNG]
How easy the white meat slices, eh?
Doesn 't that look--?
What's the matter with me?
I-- I gotta get birds off of my mind.
Maybe I'll take up a hobby.
[STOMACH GROWLlNG]
What kind of a hobby would interest a cat?
Badminton? No, that's got a bird in it.
Oh, golf.
There's birdies in golf.
Falconry? No, no, that's out.
Baseball. That's it.
But what about the Baltimore Orioles?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Y eah, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You bad old pussycat.
I know. I'll play the radio.
Music will get my mind off of it.
MAN [ON RADlO]: That was "Bye-bye Blackbird. "
And now we'll play "When the Red, Red Robin Comes Bob, Bob Bobbing Along. "
I gotta stop myself.
There.
Now I won't be able to get the bird.
Oh, Mr. Pussycat? Don't you like me anymore?
I-- I think-- I think--
I think you're--
I think you're delicious!
I'm sorry I had to do that.
I was afraid you might be weakening.
SYLVESTER: Yes, I did weaken.
Thanks a lot.
[SCREAMS]
Uh-oh. Here we go again.
One little bird, just one. Just one.
No one'll know the difference. No one. No one.
Just one, then I'll quit. I'll quit after one.
Just one. Just one.
One little bird. Just one.
One. One.
[GASPlNG]
[SOBBlNG]
I can't stand it. I'm weak.
My compliments on a very fine performance, Sylvester.
-Say, you're pretty good too, Clarence. -I gotta have a bird.
I'm weak.
I'm weak, but I don't care.
I can't help it.
After all, I am a pussycat.
Oh, come now. There's no need for this demonstration.
Birds and cats can live together with brotherly love. Watch.
Come here, little bird.
Here, you see?
I really love birds.
[CLARENCE YELLlNG]
-Let me go. Let me go. -Stop it!
I gotta have it.
-One little bird. Just one. -Control yourself.
It's been so long.
-Let me go. -Like I said before...
...once a bad old pussycat, always a bad old pussycat.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
I'll take possession of that little bird.
You can't be trusted.
And that makes two of you.
That's the story of my life.
In one cat and out the other.
Our next nominee is a star whose name is synonymous with show business.
It's about time.
Whose fame has spread all over the world.
Hold your applause until he announces my name.
Then you can cheer your heads off.
And the nominee is-- Oh, goodness me.
How about that?
The nominee is, heh-heh-heh...
...Bugs Bunny.
What? Bugs Bunny?
Well, it can't be. This whole thing must be fixed.
It's a big rip-off.
And here's a few scenes from my picture High Diving Hare.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
BUGS: Hurry, hurry, hurry. Step right this way, friends.
Right this way.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the greatest aggregation of talent ever...
... to be presented on any vaudeville stage.
Butterfingers and Clumsy, the world's foremost jugglers.
Fearless Freep and his sensational high-diving act.
Fearless Freep?
That's my boy.
Give me a ticket.
Give me a whole mess of them.
I'm a-splurging.
Bring on Fearless Freep.
On with the show.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
MAN: Telegram.
BUGS: "Delayed by storm. Stop. Arrive tomorrow."
Signed "Fearless Freep."
[CROWD SHOUTlNG]
Come on. quit stalling.
Bring on Freep.
quiet. quiet, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, due to an unfortunate delay...
...Fearless Freep will be unable to perform his high-diving act today.
What?
I paid my four bits to see the high-diving act...
...and I'm a-gonna see the high-diving act.
Well, you talked me into it.
No stalling. Now keep a-moving.
All right, all right. quit shoving.
Now, you varmint, dive.
Okay, but you gotta close your eyes while I put on my bathing suit.
Oh, all right, but make it snappy.
Ready.
[WHlSTLlNG]
Splash!
[GARGLlNG]
By gar, the critter went and done it.
And, now, ladies and gentlemen, for our next attraction--
I said, I aim to see you dive, and I'm a-going to.
Well, here I go again.
One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.
Bon voyage.
Uh-oh. Forgot to fill the tank with water.
If you ask me, that rabbit is making a fool--
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Shut up, duck!
I'm shutting.
Now, you dog-blasted, ornery, no-account, long-eared varmint.
Hey, just a minute, you. Them's fighting words.
Yeah, them's fighting words.
I dast you to step across this line.
I'm a-stepping.
I hate you.
[SPLASH]
[SPLASH]
[SPLASH]
[SAWlNG]
Now, you smarty pants, let's see you get out of this one.
[SAM LAUGHS]
This time you're a-diving.
[CRASH]
I know this defies the law of gravity, but you see, I never studied law.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
And now that moment we have all been waiting for.
[GlGGLES]
The envelope, please.
Oh, my goodness, I just can't believe it.
Oh, this is too much.
Give me. I'm not too humble to read my own name.
The winner of this year's Oswald Award is...
...Bugs Bunny?
[ORCHESTRA PLAYlNG AND CROWD CHEERlNG]
Stop the music! Hold your applause!
It's fixed. He gave himself the award.
It's a phony.
I don't deserve this. Really, it's just too much. I'm--
You are despicable.
I challenge your so-called talents.
I can do anything better than you. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Let the audience decide. I dare you.
Okay, Daffy, fair enough.
Try not to trip me up with those big feet, please.
I'll try, Daffy.
We're on.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYlNG]
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
Boy, listen to that. They love me.
[APPLAUSE STOPS]
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
I'm sick of people taking bows for my talent.
Now, do your own dance.
I challenge you. Dance, if you're not a coward.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
[ORCHESTRA PLAYS]
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
Hardy-har-har.
If they liked that mess, they're starving for some real hoofing.
I'll kill them. Music, maestro, please.
E-flat from the top.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYlNG]
[CRlCKETS CHlRPlNG AND FROG CROAKlNG]
Ingrates.
Obviously, this audience has no class.
I've got a pigeon act that will bowl them over.
Okay, Daffy, I'm giving you all the rope you need.
Now it's my turn to do an act.
Go ahead. I'll love to see the audience boo you off the stage.
After which, I place a volunteer in this box...
...and proceed to saw him in half.
What? Don't tell me you've got the gall to pull that old sawing-in-half routine?
Yes, if I get a volunteer.
Volunteer? Hmm.
I'll be your volunteer.
This whole thing is a fake.
The way it's done is very simple.
Fake feet out one end and I'm all scrunched up in this end.
The oldest trick in the book.
His turban is a fake too.
Just a hotel towel.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
Don't applaud him.
Look, I'm not cut in half.
Stop applauding!
It's a fake!
Hmph. It's a good thing I got Blue Cross.
And after intermission, I'll play the xylophone.
Xylophone? Hmm.
I can get rid of the rabbit and it'll look like an accident.
[TOOLS CLATTERlNG]
When he strikes this note...
...instead of a xylophone, he'll be playing a harp.
[LAUGHS]
Now with your kind indulgence, I'll play "Those Endearing Young Charms."
[BUGS PLAYlNG OFF-KEY]
That's wrong, you dumb bunny! Try it again!
[BUGS PLAYlNG OFF-KEY]
Ooh! No, no, you stupid rabbit. Like this:
[MAN LAUGHS]
Look at the egomaniac out there making a fool of himself.
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
I hate you.
Now you've forced me to use the act I've held back for a special occasion.
Just try and top this one.
I now present an act...
...that no other performer has ever dared to execute.
In fairness, I must warn those with weak constitutions...
...to leave the theater for this performance.
Lights.
Thank you. Some appropriate music, maestro.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYlNG]
Thank you. First, some nitroglycerin.
A goodly amount of gunpowder.
Some uranium 238.
Shake well.
Strike an ordinary match.
Girls, you'd better hold onto your boyfriends.
Swallow the match so.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
That's terrific, Daffy. They loved it.
They want more.
Here, Daffy, you deserve this more than I do.
It just goes to show you...
...you gotta kill yourself to win an Oswald in this town.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
[APPLAUSE STOPS AND CRlCKETS CHlRPlNG]
[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]
That's all folks.
Hey, I'm supposed to-- That's my line.
Well, then say it.
Th-- Th-- That's-- That's--
Dirty guys.
[ENGLlSH SDH]