Patricia Degener

Transcription

- Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place? Do you like it here? - But--[sighs] I mean, I don't fit in here-- just straight up body type. Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs. They're just like-- [laughter] [laughter] They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?" "Is that--" [laughter] It's not-- it's not for me out here. - No? - It's not, no. But I--you know. - What do you do when you're here? - I cry. I just sit in my room... [laughter] Bawling. No, I-- Well, last time I was here, right from the show, I got courtside tickets to a Laker game. - That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my-- my business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me. - Well-- - But no, I'm 33, so I'm just starting to really appreciate that, you know what I mean? - I see, I see. - Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone. I'm not like "Sexually harass--" but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around-- like you'll walk past a construction site, and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--" But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like, "What about this?" [laughter] "Like, how about--" [laughter] It's like my skirt's over my head. I'm like, "Aah." [laughter] They're like, "We're eating." But, uh-- [laughter] [laughter] It changes, it really does. It changes, so-- So I got courtside seats, which--you've sat courtside at a game, right? - I have, yeah. - I thought--I went-- I thought it would be free booze. Um... [laughter] It's not, it's not. [laughter] I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze. So... - [laughs] - I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron. You know, the actress. She was on "Glee." She played the cheerleader, Quinn? I mean, that lets you know how hot she is. Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture. Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great? [laughter] She's like-- the most gorgeous girl ever. Her name was "Quinn" on that show. To pull off that name? - Yeah. - Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show, they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--" [laughter] "Does a jig time and again," you know. But so she's there. Is she not like an angel? So--and the whole night, she's like, She's like this... 'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her. I obviously don't. [laughter] I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, is just-- [laughter] [laughter] And I learned--and you can see-- that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin." [laughter] This is not a good section! [laughter] If I--if I don't, like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just-- [laughter] I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park," just "Fff!" [laughter] So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures. I'm pounding red wine, and I-- I thought it was free-- and I-- [laughter] I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know? Like, just first sniff of merlot, just "True Blood" mouth. I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn, the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is-- you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out kind of like lying to yourself? Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little." Ehm. [laughter] Like one piece at a time, you know? And then--and then, like, you get a little more real. Right? [laughter] and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real. And just "gah!" [laughter] Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel-- [laughter] It's true. In my dumb mouth. It is true. - [laughing hard] - And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be-- And I--I look like her, actually. I look like her if she were stung by a million bees. [laughter] It's true! I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk. That's-- [laughter] And she--you know, she wanted to be friends, and I'm like, "I can't. I can't. We don't have-- we're not the same thing." Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know. She's like, "He won't stop calling." And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that." [laughter] Do you eat popcorn like that, though? Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do. And I eat it exactly like that. - Right? - Yes. - I mean, that's why-- I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again, so I'm going to have to start dating some guy, and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like, "Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like, "Oh, I hadn't even thought about it." [laughter] He's like, "What size?" and I'm like, "[giggles] A small. Look at me." [laughter] Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil. Like, "get outta here." [laughter] "Get--I want a trough. And I want to dunk my head in it." And--and then, you know. I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn. - Hilarious. So when you say you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're-- are you dating at all? - No, I, um-- Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?" Thank you. [laughter] [laughter] You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now, but also-- [laughter] but also-- Thank you. [laughter and applause] Oh, my God. [laughter and applause] No, but I'm not on any dating websites. I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting." [laughter] And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know-- - Is this real? - This is totally real. It lets--they let you know about food in your area. So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular scone. And uh-- [laughter] Under a mile away. Coincidence? Probably not. [laughter] So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go! Like, check it out!" So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it, and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture." [laughter] So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating. - It's different than that. You should-- [laughs] Oh, my God. - It's pretty much the same exact thing. - Hilarious. It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.