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Gintama - 079.ass (DOWNLOAD SUBTITLES)

[Shinpachi's Kodokan team and the Yagyu clan battle it out to bring back Otae.]

[Minamito, who asked for a second chance, was ruthlessly eliminated by Tojo.]

Having someone like you around would only disgrace the name of the dojo.

I, Ayumu Tojo, head of the Four Yagyu Aces will not forgive anyone

who tarnishes our Young Lord's name.

Wait, Tojo.

I'm going, too.

I thought they were just a bunch of hooligans,

but it seems they're actually quite skilled.

This is getting interesting.

There's no need for you to go, Young Lord.

I will defeat all five of them myself.

Never mind. I said I'm going.

But if you get injured, I will have to commit harakiri.

[Note: Harakiri is ritual suicide by disembowelment.]

So you think they're better than I am?

Absolutely not. You are invincible, Young Lord.

You are the hope of the Yagyu clan.

All right, then...

Just put these on and go... It looks like rain...

["Four Heads are Better than One"]

Cut it out! Can you please stop smothering me?

Ever since you were a baby, Young Lord,

it's been my duty to protect and care for you.

You are so very dear to me!

Please try to understand how I feel!

Young Lord! Look out!

Damn crow!

How dare you poop on my Young Lord!

I'll skewer and roast you like chicken!

I see...so they got Sogo.

Serves him right.

Hijikata-san, that's not a cigarette.

Where'd you get that?

Come on. Pull yourself together. Are you all right?

You're bleeding a lot.

Seems we both underestimated each other...

I assumed it'd be easier.

Hijikata-san, it's burning.

I thought they only knew dojo swordplay, but I was totally wrong.

If their flunkies can fight like that, I worry about what's waiting for us.

Hijikata-san, that's very pretty.

Where the hell is your leader, anyway?

Beats me.

Probably got taken out a long time ago.

Kondo-san hasn't come back from the bathroom either. Is he okay?

Are you sure you're okay, Hijikata-san?

Yagyu...!

The big boys are finally making their move.

Hey! They're headed straight this way.

What's going on? How did they spot us?

Look at what you've got in your mouth!

This is bad. Let's retreat for now.

Right!

Kondo-san, hurry up!

Come on out. We've got to run! The enemy is...

Kondo-san?

There's no answer? Did he leave?

Pa-Pa...!

The paper!

Hijikata-san! Looks like Kondo-san's not here anymore.

We have no choice. Let's go!

Right.

W-Wait! Toshi!

The paper's forsaken me! I'm still in here!

[Note: Pronunciation for "paper" is the same as "god."]

There's no toilet paper. I haven't wiped my butt yet!

This can't be! Did you really?! Did they really leave?

Shinpachi-kun! Toshi!

This sucks! I'm stranded in enemy territory with crap on my butt!

[Note: Spoof of Mobile Suit Gundam 0079.]

This is like when Garma got his ass shot by White Base.

What am I supposed to do?!

If I don't quickly do something, the enemy will find me!

I need something to wipe with!

Wait! Calm down, Isao!

This is a bathroom.

There are three other stalls.

The odds of all four being out of toilet paper are astronomical!

There's got to be a few sheets...somewhere!

Someone's in here!

Someone is crapping in here besides me. What luck!

I need help!

I'm trapped in here! And I ran out of toilet paper.

Please... Can you please spare me a little?

The God of toilet paper has abandoned this place.

Huh? What did you just say? You're kidding, right?

Shut up, Gorilla, or I'll throw shit at you.

Huh? That voice?! Are you, Odd Jobs?!

Hey! What're you doing here?!

You know. We both came for the same reason.

What? You mean...

I was wondering where you were,

but does that mean you've been here for three episodes?!

Do you realize the rest of us have been locked in a desperate struggle?

Do you realize I've been locked in a desperate struggle of my own?

I think the bean bun I ate this morning was bad.

I shouldn't have bought so much when it was on sale.

You really like bean buns, Gin-chan.

Just when I thought I got it all out of my system, this happens.

I'm detoxed and depressed...

You can't be serious!

We have to get out of here.

There's got to be some paper in one of these stalls.

Paaaaper...

What's the matter?

A g-ghost...! There's a ghost! Like a miniature Yoda.

That's the toilet specter.

[Note: Spoof of the Japanese spirit "Zashiki Warashi" which lives in a house, but this one lives in a toilet.]

Was it Otae-chan? I think it was her cooking.

The toilet specter?!

It's what happens to people who get trapped in a bathroom with no way of wiping.

After I ate her cooking, it started spewing out...

Are you serious?

We're going to end up toilet specters too!

That's right. So hurry up and find some paper.

You want me to go out there with my butt exposed?

Better if you take everything off.

If anyone asks, just say, "I'm Bigfoot, got a problem with that?" Be natural.

Why don't you go?! All you've done this whole time is detox, anyways!

Make yourself useful!

All you've been doing is providing commentary on other people's battles.

How dare you! Commentary is a thing of value!

A monkey can do commentary.

What?!

My, my. Sorry to interrupt.

We don't usually use these restrooms.

That's why we haven't restocked the paper.

And from a green perspective, we use toilet paper without tubes.

So of course it's impossible to unwind the core and use that to wipe with.

You are trapped like rats. How shall I finish you off?

Hijikata-san, are you okay?

Damn...maybe I should quit smoking.

Shape up!

That guy's awfully fast.

We can't outrun him.

Go.

Hijikata-san?!

Don't worry. I'm not doing this for you.

I told you. I just came here to fight.

If you're defeated, we lose the fight.

Go find your sister.

Even if we win this battle, if your sister won't change her mind,

it will all have been for nothing.

The mayonnaise...will be on me.

So that's your captain?

Such a sorry captain-running off and leaving his injured teammate behind.

Just so you know, you cannot defeat our captain.

Grandfather taught me the sword.

He's a master swordsman considered the greatest the Yagyu clan has ever produced.

Uh...I'm Bigfoot... Do you have any toilet paper?

What're you doing, Binbokusai-sama?

That didn't work at all!

Idiot. You actually tried it? You're an idiot.

Binbokusai-sama, we can't have our captain wandering around by himself.

It could keep us from winning.

I'm afraid this battle was decided before it ever began.

By now, Tojo has probably defeated the rest of your team.

He is the most skilled of the Four Aces.

There's no comparison between him and the other three who beat you so badly.

Damn Granny! I knew that egg this morning was bad!

We live everyday not knowing when we might bid farewell to this life.

I don't care if one of my comrades bites the dust.

I'll just kill that many more to make up for it.

They don't need any sad words. All I can do for them is...

keep fighting until I croak too...and give my best, like they did.

...Is this our best?

[Today's menu Omelet, Egg and...]

Koshinori-sama, you mustn't!

Men are forbidden!

You may be the lord of the Yagyu, but this is a sacred sanctuary for women only!

Granny, this is no time for that. Out of my way!

Otae-chan! Summon Otae-chan!

What? That girl again?!

First you want her thrown out and now you want to summon her?

Make up your mind!

If she doesn't leave, then I will.

Choose that girl, or choose me!

Right! Right!

Don't talk like you're my girlfriend!

That's disgusting, you old hag!

With all due respect, the Young Lord cannot rein in that woman.

She is an incorrigible tomboy!

She will bring disaster to the Yagyu clan.

We already have a disaster.

I don't know if they're dojo busters or what, but I'm at my wit's end.

Kyubei and those wild Four Aces are wreaking havoc.

They're tearing up the place.

What's more, one of the ones who barged in here is calling himself Otae-chan's brother.

I don't know what's going on! I need to talk to her!

Her brother?! How frightening!

They are all of barbarian blood, after all!

How scary!

Out of my way!

That's...!

Otae-chan!

Stop! Hellion!

Shin-chan... Everyone...

I never imagined the enemy captain would be an old man.

But we won't go easy on you. Let's settle this like men.

What're you talking about?

You don't stand a chance against me. I guarantee it.

Right back at you, old man.

Don't you see? You're already trapped like a rat.

There's no rush. We'll butcher all of you.

But first things first.

Somebody! Bring us toilet paper!

This is ridiculous!

Their captain is within striking distance and we can't do a thing!

Tojo-san, was it? What's your problem, anyway?

Weren't you gloating a moment ago?

I couldn't hold it in.

I feel much better now.

Oh no!

Do you know why we have two hands? It's so that...

Don't go there, Odd Jobs! Don't lose hope.

Binbokusai-sama?

You aren't talking. Are you all right?

The enemy is trying to trick you!

Hold on. This is no time to be talking about enemy this and enemy that.

We can't do shit if we're stuck in here.

Don't use the word "shit"! I'm upset enough as it is!

The main priority is to get some toilet paper.

What do you say we postpone the match until we've wiped our butts?

So let's call a truce.

Team up with the enemy? Do you think I'd fall for that?

That stinks! How long are going to keep letting it out?!

Tojo, we have no choice.

Let's forget about the match and concentrate on wiping our butts.

You say cooperate...but do you have any ideas, Odd Jobs?

We don't have paper, but we have our minds.

Four adults together should be able to come up with something.

We're four adults, but we're four adults with poop on our butts.

What can adults like us do? Are we even adults?

Don't belittle yourself.

These are the times when you need to keep the integrity of your spirit.

Human beings must never lose their dignity.

Those are fine words, but the guy who said it has miso on his butt, too.

Let's start by examining our situation.

This stall has no toilet paper...nor does any stall.

Because it is normally not used, it's unlikely that anyone will come.

We can't even put on our hakama without wiping our bottoms.

[Note: A hakama is a Japanese traditional skirt.]

So we cannot go and get help.

You're saying we're on our own?

Start by taking out everything you've got.

That's not what I meant.

I don't have any paper.

If I did, I'd have wiped my bottom and killed them all.

The same is true for them. They all know that.

So why did he bring that up?

Odd Jobs must know something.

Under these extreme circumstances,

working together will create a strong sense of camaraderie between us.

The enemy is trying to trick us into thinking they're not our enemy by working together with us.

They're doing it to put us off guard so they can attack.

There isn't a single one among us who plans to cooperate.

If I show any opening, they'll get me.

Not only that...

I have to outwit them and wipe my butt first.

If they beat me to it, they'll get me for sure.

Paper...

Paper...

Paper...

Paper...

Paper...

Whoever gets his hands on some first wins the match!

Found anything useful?

How should I respond?

Nope.

Nothing here, either.

Should I go along with their plan?

I'll show an opening, and when they attack, I'll...

Hey, will this work?

Binbokusai-sama?!

I have sandpaper.

Sand...

Did he say sandpaper?

Don't be ridiculous! It would rip our anuses apart!

Normally, that's what I would say...

But in this situation, sandpaper...

seems like the high-end lotion tissue "SCoTchie" with anti-bacterial moisturizers...

I want it bad!

Don't be ridiculous, old fart!

Wiping with that will make us bloody all over!

Wait! Calm down, Odd Jobs! Don't let him fool you!

Don't let the word "sand" trick you.

It's sand, but the word "paper" comes after it.

It's the paper we're dying to get.

No, could it all be an act so we don't notice that he wants the sandpaper?!

I see. It's still in enemy hands.

If they see that I want it, it'll show weakness.

By skillfully hiding that, and refusing,

Gin defuses the old man's interest in the sandpaper and intends to cunningly get it from him.

He's several moves ahead of us all.

I've been going against such an incredible fellow all this time?

But today, he's my ally.

I couldn't ask for a more dependable ally. I'm going to back him up.

Cut it out, old fart! Sandpaper?

Try sanding your brain!

I won't let you win!

Bimbokusai-sama, what we need is paper.

Sandpaper's no good to us.

Flush it down the toilet and yourself along with it.

What?!

In this situation,

sandpaper is equal to the high-end lotion tissue "SCoTchie" with anti-bacterial moisturizers...

"SCoTchie"? Oh, don't be so presumptuous.

Don't let the word "paper" fool you!

The word "sand" is in there too, you old fart!

Hey, you two, that's going too far!

There might be a way to use it.

Old man, let me have a look at that.

H-H-H-He's...

playing Tsundere?!

[Note: Slang for a character that at first seems mean and nasty but later turns out to be nice. Commonly appears in Visual Novels as seen below.]

Oh come on, let me see it!

He was cold before and now he's turned nice!

If he did that at the right moment...

Even a battle-hardened bar hostess would fall for him!

It's incredible! To use such a gambit...

This man...

That's right. This man had everything figured out.

He knew we would read his strategy, imitate it, and insult the old man.

He had it all figured out, and used it to his advantage...

This can't be!

That would mean this man played me for a fool!

This... That...and finished!

[Seipoop Taisei] [Note: Spoof of Seiben Teisei, the Monkey King.]

Like...

I'm like Seiten Taisei struggling on the Buddha's palm.

[Note: Seiben Teisei, or the Monkey King is a mischievous character from a Chinese legend.]

What an incredible man... He's in a league of his own.

We lost. We've been completely crushed...

Sandpaper?

Sandpaper!

Now all four of us have some.

What? What's going on?

Old man! Odd Jobs! Are you really cooperating?

It's three-times rougher than I thought! And it's two-sided!

If I wipe my bottom with this, it'll rip the skin right off!

In the end, we have no choice but to wipe with this.

Not that I'd recommend it, though.

Is he...?

No way...

The old man...couldn't be...

He's wiping! No doubt about it! With this sandpaper!

I-It's unbelievable!

Even with my thick butt hairs, this scares the hell out of me.

He's a sage...

[Note: Like Pervy sage in NARUTO.]

A man who has toughened his butt on the burning sands of some remote eastern land...

over and over and over again.

A sage with thick butt hairs.

Binbokusai-sama...that was brilliant.

This was all a ploy to apply psychological pressure.

In this situation, without toilet paper,

they'd be pressured into making a decision whether to wipe or not to wipe.

Once they've lost their presence of mind, they'd be at our mercy.

Old man, this is incredible! It's awesome!

Huh?

Coarse...so coarse! It really hits the spot!

No, he's fooling.

Wait a minute...no way...

Is he wiping? No, he couldn't be.

No, he is... He's wiping with it!

Th-That's absurd!

If he wipes with this, he'll never be able to sit down again!

He's a Count...

In the far west...

there was a man who whipped his butt with a hot sausage...

called the Count of Butt Hair. Is that who he is?!

[Note: Spoof of The Castle of Cagliostro.]

What should I do? Do I wipe?

Must I wipe? Am I leaning towards wiping?

No way, no way, no way.

I'll bungee jump, I'll sky dive...anything but this...

No, nix bungee jumping.

But if I don't wipe, he'll get me.

To win...for the sake of the one I love...

Otae-san...

I came here to see your smile one last time. For that, I'll...

Young Lord...

I am prepared to do anything to protect and support you.

This is paper!

No! Just a minute!

Am I going to wipe my butt on Otae-san's face?

It'd be a turn-on in a way, but I can't!

Nor can I use the sandpaper!

Young Lord...

I would allow you to poo in my face. But to use your face for...

I can't do it! Nor can I use the sandpaper.

Otae-san. Sandpaper.

Young Lord. Sandpaper.

My duty is to protect the Young Lord and further his ambitions.

I have done a very disrespectful thing to lead you to victory, Young Lord...

In the end, I...

...was weak.

But the next time...

No, I could never use...the sandpaper.

Otae-san...I'm sorry...

I came this far to see your smiling face, but...

But this is as far as I got.

I am such...a fool...

[The next episode...]

[Gintoki vs. Binbokusai]

"When someone who wears glasses takes them off, it looks like something's missing."

[Shinpachi's love... Otae's feelings...]

[Kyubei's past revealed.]

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