Daily Tips for Modern Living

Transcription

<i>Warning: the following contains spoilers for seasons 1-3.</i> <i>For a spoiler-free version, click here.</i> <i>Just come back and watch the real version when you’re all caught up…</i> <i>wuss!</i> <i>From fiction’s most notorious serial killer,</i> <i>comes the TV adaptation</i> <i>of the medieval encyclopedia/</i> Dungeon Master’s Guide<i>/porno</i> <i>that is…</i> Game of Thrones. <i>God, that song’s cool!</i> <i>Get ready for the show that has viewers of the edge of their seats,</i> <i>wondering what will happen next,</i> <i>and as people who’ve read the books acting all smug because they already know.</i> <i>It’s the abusive show</i> <i>you keep watching no matter how many times it hurts you.</i> How long do I have to look? <i>Full of disturbing imagery like…</i> <i>incest,</i> <i>beheadings,</i> <i>attempted child murder,</i> <i>more incest…</i> <i>And that’s just the first episode!</i> <i>Travel to Westeros,</i> <i>a place where everything is the thing of nouns.</i> The Hand of the King. – Light of the Seven. – Brienne of Tarth. – Lord of Bones. – Lord of Light. – Master of Coin. – Mother of Dragons. – Son of Dolf. – Son of Fire! – Warrior of Light. – Bank of Braavos. Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North. <i>Watch as everyone fights to sit in the world’s most uncomfortable chair,</i> <i>while completely ignoring an invasion of ice zombies</i> <i>that threatens to kill them all.</i> <i>Seriously, someone should really get on that!</i> <i>Meet unforgettable heroes,</i> <i>who were still alive when we wrote this Honest Trailer.</i> <i>Jon Snow,</i> <i>a mopey bastard who doesn’t know anything.</i> You know nothing, Jon Snow. <i>Tyrion Lannister, a character who’s so awesome.</i> <i>Imp slap!</i> <i>Peter Dinklage will get every good dwarf role until he dies,</i> <i>or Warwick Davis kills him.</i> <i>And Daenerys Targaryen,</i> <i>a super hot queen obsessed with her dragons.</i> Where are my dragons? <i>She’s out for vengeance against the people who killed her family.</i> <i>Eventually…</i> <i>One of these days…</i> <i>Can we just fast-forward to that part?</i> <i>Watch as these heroes struggle</i> <i>to end the reign of King Justin Bieber.</i> Leave her face. I like her pretty. <i>God, if he doesn’t die this season,</i> <i>I’m gonna fucking kill him myself!</i> <i>Fucking hate that kid!</i> <i>Ride along on an adventure</i> <i>where any lead character can die.</i> <i>Whether you’re Sean Bean,</i> <i>Sean Bean’s wife,</i> <i>Sean Bean’s best friend,</i> <i>Sean Bean’s son,</i> <i>Sean Bean’s daughter-in-law,</i> <i>Sean Bean’s family dogs,</i> <i>or Sean Bean’s unborn grandkid.</i> <i>All men must die…</i> <i>who are in any way close to Sean Bean.</i> <i>So begin the epic journey, so long and complicated,</i> <i>we hope the creator doesn’t eat himself to death</i> <i>before he’s finished writing it.</i> <i>And settle in for a show with so many monologues,</i> <i>HBO will desperately try to keep your attention</i> <i>by any boobs necessary.</i> <i>Not that I’m complaining.</i> <i>Boobs!</i> <i>Starring the ten characters whose names you actually remember.</i> <i>And all these other characters whose names you actually don’t remember.</i> <i>Like the sneaky guy.</i> <i>The sneaky bald guy.</i> <i>Carl Drago.</i> <i>Those Gay Dudes.</i> <i>Lord Friend Zone.</i> <i>Grumpy Old Dad.</i> <i>That’s the same person, right?</i> <i>Sand- San- Sansa?</i> <i>Bronn?</i> <i>Bran?</i> <i>Bronn again?</i> <i>Sam? No, Sam’s the fat one from</i> Lord of the Rings. <i>She’s the one who had a demon baby!</i> <i>That’s the guy that got his dick cut off.</i> <i>I don’t remember her name, but she’s super hot.</i> <i>That’s Tyrion’s hooker girlfriend!</i> <i>Hodor! That’s Hodor!</i> <i>Now, you’re just messing with me.</i> <i>No idea.</i> <i>Faceless Assassin! That guy’s awesome!</i> <i>Not a clue.</i> <i>Dunno.</i> <i>I got nothin’.</i> <i>None of these are ringing a bell.</i> <i>Go make up your own names, nerds!</i> Game of Thrones. <i>It’s kinda like a history test, but with dragons</i> <i>and boobs!</i> <i>If you put any spoilers in the comments, I’ll kill you.</i> <i>But to all my book bros: R + L = J.</i> <i>You know what I’m talking about.</i> <i>A Lannister always subscribes.</i> <i>So click that button now.</i> <i>Hey, Screen Junkies! Wanna see me act stupid?</i> <i>Then click the box above to see the epic drive-thru voice prank.</i> <i>The more times you share it, the more money we raise for charity.</i>