Creature.Comforts.US.S01E05-SAiNTS.English.srt (DOWNLOAD SUBTITLES)
Okay. Testing one, two, three.
Check, check. I think we're good. Here we go. You ready?
- Yes. - Okay, this is kind of a weird question,
but can you say, "Rubber, baby, buggy, bumper"?
Rubber, baby,
buggy, blanket. No?
- Rubber, baby, buggy, bumper. - Rubby...
Rubber? I already forgot.
Rubber, baby, buggy, bumper.
Rubber, baby, blanket buggy. No, it was buggy blanket?
- Buggy, bumper. - Bumper!
- Rubber, baby... - Okay.
Rubber, baby, blanket, buggy...
Bumper! There's a bumper.
How dare them ask me that question?
Okay. Now I'm going to ask you some questions about food.
Describe to me, what does it feel like to be in a...
Hear my stomach growling?
Almost that time. Almost feeding time.
Tell me about your eating habits.
I love to eat. I love to eat.
I eat as much as I want. I will never get fat.
And I don't work out, thank you.
- I'm a voracious eater. I eat far too quickly. - That's true.
I don't digest my food properly.
If I enjoy it, I just shovel it down.
My eating habits are terrible.
I don't know where else to go with that.
I'm very uncomfortable.
There was an... An all milk diet, I seem to recall.
- A milk diet? - You did nothing but drink milk?
- Oh, God, I'd be sick. - What about the banana?
- There was a banana diet. - Well, it's just a banana diet.
- And the grapefruit diet. - Yeah, the grapefruit diet.
Grapefruit. Yes.
- Thank God, it never got to us. - Yes.
- Atkins is not healthy. - Oh, God.
- It is all straight meat. - Yeah.
- I need to do something besides... - You gotta balance it out.
- Balance. Fruits. Vegetables. - But it's the only thing...
Well, you know, I mean, it's convenient. I mean, it's so freaking convenient.
The little dietary triangle there, mine's more like a circle.
The shape of a pizza.
- What did I do to live so long? - You must have had a healthy diet.
Are you kidding? My daughter talks about me.
"She eats hot dogs, she eats everything that's..."
Hot dogs seems to be okay.
- Are you kidding? With the nitrites in it? - Well, you haven't had kosher hot dogs.
- They're still poison, but I love them! - Try the kosher.
When I was growing up, we used the expression "hot dogs."
I don't think I ever heard the word "wiener" or "weenie."
And he's also very quiet, like he won't talk during dinner.
It's like, all about eating.
I like a simple thing, what we call in dialect, the pasta fagioli.
I love... I love blackened fish, just about any kind of fish really. Yeah.
I like wood floors.
I love oysters fried, raw, shrimp boiled,
fried, sauteed, shrimp scampi...
Red oak and white oak. Cherry.
Crab legs, stuffed crabs...
I'll have a competition with anybody about seafood
'cause I'll be eating that, forget it, like, I won't stop eating seafood.
You take me to a seafood restaurant,
and I'll be your best friend for life, I'm telling you.
Maple's nice.
There's not a wood floor I don't like.
I had a Doberman I loved. I had a little dachshund, a little weenie dog.
I had a cat, a Siamese twin cat and she just a hollered,
I mean, made that little funny noise.
I'm hungry right now, by having this conversation.
She looked so good.
It looked like a piece of steak, so I just bit her.
He likes to eat plastic bags.
He'll eat a plastic bag if you leave it laying on the floor.
And if there's no plastic bags available, he likes to go for duct tape.
I'm not fussy.
Choo-choo. You want choo-choo? Choo-choo?
Choo-choo!
Where's the train station? Can you open it up?
Chugga, chugga, choo-choo!
Into the station...
There you go! Yummies! Is that yummy?
- What are you eating right now? - What am I eating right now?
A lollipop.
I don't usually eat them, but it was given to me.
I... I'm not high-maintenance.
I don't ask for a lot of things on the side, or hold the this or that, or...
I... I eat what they bring me.
I got a thing now for... What are them things?
It looked like... Looked like little, little bitty cabbage.
- Brussels sprouts. - Brussels sprouts. That's the one. Yeah.
I got used to them things now, Brussels... They good.
Do you guys like vegetables?
Well, I pretty much don't like any vegetables except for...
- Potatoes. Boil them, peels them... - Salad.
...put them in a stew.
- Salad. - Potatoes.
- Well, actually, I like some vegetables... - I like potatoes.
- I do not like... - Potato.
- I don't... I also like... - Potatoes.
...soft... Soft potatoes. - Mash them, boil them, put them in a stew.
- Greens. - Potato.
When I was young, I was eating three times, four times in a day.
Of course, now I am not so young.
I feel better without food.
Sometimes I don't really eat too much of anything until the evening,
which can be... They say bad.
But I think it's better for my health, and it keeps my weight down, yes.
It has lots of structure. Good tannins.
Too much tannin for me, but it's a 2004, so what do you expect?
Yeah, it needs a little time.
There was...
It was once said that a great wine will improve any meal.
- This has a good mouthfeel. - It does.
You know, it coats your mouth very pleasantly.
And it's an explosion of flavor.
A great meal will certainly bring out the best in a good wine.
I think that this would probably be good with a pizza.
Yeah.
Who's here?
- I tend not to overeat. I stop because... - Yeah, he doesn't overeat.
- He doesn't like to eat. - No, and that's why I'm not fat.
- Yet. - Yeah.
But you'll keep eating, though.
- Boy, do you eat. - 'Cause I'm hungry by then.
Yeah, but I don't think that's good.
I think it bloats your stomach up and you...
You know, it stretches your stomach and
- makes it larger. - Well, what are you saying?
I'm saying that you probably should stop eating so much.
Oh, did I just say that? No, I didn't say that. I'm just kidding.
I don't snack.
- Really? - I don't snack.
You're very thin. You're beautiful. I'm in trouble. Shut that thing off.
Are you sure?
Why, are you looking at my body? I don't snack.
I do not snack.
- You're not fat. - Well, you just told America I was.
America-schmerica.
Yeah, that's your... You don't care, it's not you.
- They don't know who we are, right? - Oh, they will.
I can eat a six-inch meatball sub in two bites.
But, boy, it gives you indigestion.
And let's just say, the gas isn't exactly, you know, unscented.
It smells just like a meatball sub in reverse.
- I just can't stand the smell of cat food. - Canned cat food is very aromic.
- I don't like it. - No, me either.
- Canned cat... - Of course, when a cat eats anything,
you know, she has a little aroma, too.
You know, I ate some dried apricots recently,
- and I have to say... - Yeah, dried apricots.
...that was amazing, that they were just relentless.
I kept waiting for the experience to end, and it just, like, wow, we're...
You know, jeez, and there's some reserves here and things going here and...
Anyway.
When I was growing up, we had...
We played out in the yard a lot and we made dirt pies.
- And did you eat them? - Well, we did sample them.
She's, like, the most food-paranoid person I've ever met in my entire life.
Like, God forbid your steak is medium.
No, I don't care about steaks. It's hamburger.
- It can't be pink. It's got to be done. - But that's when it's juicy.
If it's fishy, it's not fresh.
If you can smell it, it's not fresh.
When you go to the market and it says "Fresh Frozen."
I mean, what is that?
- But that's raw hamburger. - It's not.
- Do you wanna eat raw hamburger? - It's not raw hamburger.
Gross.
When you're eating food in New York... Buyer beware,
'cause you never know what you're getting.
We went to Hooters one time and he freaked out on me.
I don't want a not done hamburger.
Might as well just put a hockey puck on a bun.
Well, it's good.
You just never know, so buyer be well...
Beware when it comes... Be well and beware.
And then chicken, too. That's got to be done.
Well, yeah, you can't...
You'd get salmonella and then you end up in the bathroom for a week.
I found spiders in my food and stuff like that.
You know, I mean, roaches in my food.
Oh, I found somebody's fingernail in my food one time. Shame on them.
I'm a very accepting eater,
because I would eat something that somebody else would turn down.
You all realize we haven't said grace?
Oh, Lord, we offer thanks to you that you have provided us this food,
nourishing food, nice food, delicious food.
Amen.
And thereafter, we start eating!
I ate so much, my stomach is like...
Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing. Excuse me.
That was a big burp.
Rubber... Rubber, bubby... Oh, my gosh.
Rubber... Rubber, buggy...
But, no, that's too silly.
You gotta be firm with a horse and let him know you're in charge,
but you can't be mean to him.
If you spend every day for a year with a horse,
you'll be able to think in unison.
Okay, so the morning meow, he likes to make this announcement.
And so he comes in and he goes...
And... And then wherever I am in the house, I say, "Pepe!"
And then he goes... And then I go, "Pepe!"
I think communication is being in an atmosphere where you can say something
and it may not be perfectly stated, but it's still valued.
Pepe!
What do you think communication is?
You talking. Me listening.
Talk too much. Talk too much.
Talk too much. Talk too... Never shut up. Talk too much.
So you think you talk too much?
Oh, I don't think I talk too much, everybody else thinks I talk too much.
Oh, I think their main problem is they don't listen enough.
You're kind of a quiet, shy little wallflower most of the time.
I speak when I need to say something.
I don't fill the air with blather.
I can tell by looking at him if there's something on his mind.
If he's worried about something.
He knows if I'm obsessing about something.
We practically can read each other's minds.
I'm feeling anxious now. Can you tell?
No. I couldn't tell.
Do you wanna talk about it?
We are very in tune emotionally with each other.
- Very much so. - And, you know, we...
Probably more so... That's probably one of our
- biggest... - One of our strong points.
- Because, yeah. You, well... - Well, I was gonna say drawbacks, but...
No!
Most people want candy-coated crap, and that's not what I do.
I'm big, I'm loud, I tell it like it is.
That was a good answer.
I like to shoot straight from the noodle, you know.
What... Whatever pops into my head, I say it.
I don't know.
I'm as nuts as they come.
- We kind of... We bicker a lot. - A lot!
We're the bickerers. And we get pretty heated,
you know, like we couldn't stand each other one second and the next thing...
Well, sex always helps solve the issue, but... It's not... It's a little confusing.
- I don't find it confusing at all. - So if I want sex, I'll just fight with you.
No, it's... He's such a twit.
The worst thing you can do is constantly be critical of your husband,
'cause, believe me, he will find a way
to get a non-critical chick.
- What do you think, Paul? - What's the question?
Oh, Paul, wake up.
I'm not supposed to be critical.
"Come on, I'm horny. Let's fight."
I happen to think I have a terrible voice.
I heard her play back my voice, I don't even recognize myself!
It's because everyone who hears their own voice says,
- "Oh, I sound awful!" - Do you recognize your own voice?
I know, I sound awful.
When I get on the telephone, they say, "Yes, sir," and I don't even correct them!
Everybody says, "You have that accent like Zsa Zsa Gabor."
I say, "Well, I don't have her money. That's good I have something from her."
Okay, is the... Sometimes if I'm not trying,
I can do English, a British accent real well.
"Okay, okay, okay, me mate."
You know, and,
"Throw another shrimpy on the barbie, mate."
That's an Aussie, Aussie accent.
I can roll my "R's."
I don't speak Spanish.
Yes.
You think I'm gonna believe everything you say?
Who are you to tell me what's what?
- You're very positive. - I'm... I'm positive?
I'm the most negative person you ever met!
No. I mean, positive in opinions.
- I... I think I know everything, right? - No, but you definitely have opinions.
Okay.
How do you like this repartee?
Well, what about Yiddish? There's several in Yiddish.
- Especially... - The, you know, chutzpah.
- Chutzpah and they can't go... - Yeah, chutzpah.
Excuse me.
A properly trained standard poodle can acquire a...
A vocabulary of several hundred words.
Of course, they say that only about the standard poodles
which have larger brains
- than the smaller-sized poodles. - Yeah, so...
Well, we're not allowed to say "stupid head,"
we're not really supposed to say the... Is it the J-word?
I forgot.
No, the H-word, I mean, S-word.
Break a leg! I do not like the phrase "Break a leg."
Break a leg!
Yeah, we really hope you break a leg.
My bad.
What the hell is "my bad"? My bad.
Yeah. That's the bomb.
- What the hell is a "bomb"? - The bomb is okay, the bomb is okay.
- I don't like "it's the bomb." - Oh, my bad.
Oh, we're not allowed to say the A-word either.
What's that?
What you sit on when you go to the bathroom.
Toilet?
Communication.
You have the right to remain silent.
The long gaps...
- Your phone is ringing. - It is.
- Yeah. - I thought I'd turned it off.
I thought you did, too.
Do you ever communicate without using words?
- We Italians specialize in that. - Yeah. We don't communicate.
We do communicate. We go like this, you know.
Put under the chin and then we move forward and this,
"I don't care about you, I don't care what you said."
- Right, right. - Without saying.
If I'm really pissed at you, I'm going to have, like, my eyes,
like, burning a hole in you and my mouth is gonna go down like this.
I don't do... I don't do non-verbal communication.
- Everybody does. - I'm not doing it.
It's posture, it's the way you look at something, it's the...
I'm not looking at you.
Okay, and then if I'm trying to be sexy, which is very hard for me to do,
I'm going to like make a smirk
and, kind of, my eyes are going to try to flirt with you like this.
And then if I'm just like really frustrated,
my mouth's going to be kind of puffy and my cheeks are going to get puffy like...
Like that.
Rubber, baby, buggy, blanket.
Rubber, baby, bumper, blanket. The other way around.
Rubber... Rubber, baby... Rubber, bubby... Rubber...
Rubber... Rubber...
Just kill me.