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"3 Acts of God"
Family Guy episode
Episode no.Season 12
Episode 13
Directed byBob Bowen
Written byAlec Sulkin
Production codeAACX17
Original air dateMarch 16, 2014
Guest appearance(s)
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Mom's the Word"
Next →
"Fresh Heir"
Family Guy (season 12)
List of Family Guy episodes

"3 Acts of God" is the thirteenth episode of the twelfth season of the animated comedy series Family Guy and the 223rd episode overall. It aired on Fox in the United States on March 16, 2014, and is written by Alec Sulkin and directed by Bob Bowen.[1] In the episode, Peter is sick of opposing football teams thanking God for beating the Patriots, so he and the guys go on a quest to find the Lord and ask him to stop determining the outcomes of football games.

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what are the real acts of god what did he really do we tried to contact god to ask him but he's not been seen since he sent his son out to meet the press 2000 years ago perhaps through his omnipotent prophecy he learned the lessons of Muhammar and Saif Islam Gaddaffi and realised that after being responsible for genocide, murder, rape, torture, enslavement, incest and infanticide if telling your people to continue worshipping you doesn't work and putting your son forward with promises of peace and love backed up with threats of hell and eternal torment doesn't work either then perhaps it's best to make yourself scarce. So we are left to fall back on the words attributed to God in the book we call the Bible Understanding of course that this book like the Little Green Book, The Little Red Book, Mein Kampf and many others might not truly reflect the intentions of the author. accepting also that much of the Book [and especially the New Testament] is indeed a fabrication As we know that all the texts were innacurately copied by hand edited, redacted and copied again and again many many times over the centuries before being codified and the many gospels books and letters omitted from the Bible and the many gospels books and letters omitted from the Bible were left out on the basis of human selectivity diplomacy politics and consensus rather than any divine instruction And only the most blindly faithful would still affirm that the authorship of the texts is as detailed in the Bible and that those who do affirm this have yet to explain how moses came to write historic details of his own death in deutoronomy So, anyway, what does the bible have to say about the acts of God. We shall skip the multiple creations of everything and the trick with the fruit and the snake. Pausing only to remember that "In The Beginning" means that before God created everything there was nothing. Before God created them there was no matter, no energy, no time, no morals, no sin, no evil. You would do well to remember this. God created sin. And for those that deny this and blame Satan: Whom created Satan? If God created Satan; then God created Sin If God did not create Satan - well you can tear up the whole damn bible? We will pick up the story after God's big screw up in the Garden of Eden and run through his acts So here we are, on Page 5 of the King James Bible and our all powerful, all seeing and all knowing God has so far: Supposedly Created a perfect universe and a perfect earth and a perfect Garden of Eden and a much less than perfect Satan Created 2 perfect innocent people and put them in his garden Allowed Satan to enter the garden and tempt these two innocent people Damned then both for being tempted by Satan. An Angel so powerful and full of guile that He was prepared to challenge God's very authority in heaven. Kicked the two out of the garden - rendering all the work he put in to creating it a waste of time and effort Spurned their first-born because he resented being punished from birth for the sins of his parents and would not offer burnt sacrifices in penitance; [God does love the smell of baa lamb in the morning] Condemned their second son to death by his spurning of the first. And damned all Cain's offspring in perpetuity. not a promising start Now, two pages further on he is going two destroy every living thing on the earth, save for a drunk a peeping tom and a few others. And blame it all on us. And he again failed in whatever plan he had because by Page 12 men were building a tower up to heaven and God had to pop down and spread them over the face of the earth and confuse their tongues to stop them Page 14 God brings down Great Plagues on Pharaoh's house. Why? Because Pharaoh took Sarai, Abram's wife into his house. Apparently Pharaoh had a kind of a thing for 65 year old women! Pharaoh took Sarai in because he did not know that Sarai was Abrams's wife Because Abram had told Pharaoh that Sarai was his sister. Which in fact she was - as well as being his wife. And Pharaoh, being completely honourable, rebuked Abram for his deceit as he would never have taken Sarai had he known she was married. and so God punished Pharaoh for ...errr ... answers on a postcard please. Page 17 We find Sarai is made barren by God, apparently as a test of Abram's faith Though of course an omniscient God would know the commitment of Abram's faith. And so Sarai she tells 86 year old Abram to rape her slave Hagar And Hagar gets pregnant with a child that Sarai will, by custom, take and pass off as her own Hagar gets miffed at Sarai for allowing wrinkly Abram to rape her. So Sarai beats her and brands her as a slave Hagar runs away, but God sends an Angel to tell her to return to Sarai to be tortured some more And Hagar bears a son Ishmael Now by page 18 God was obviously getting bored. So he decides to change Abram's name to Abraham. And Sarai gets a name change to Sarah. But the big story on Page 18 is God's command that Abraham circumcise all males so although God had created man in his perfect image, apparently the foreskin was an imperfection or perhaps the foreskin is actually the sprue, that little bit left over from the casting of man that God forgot to trim it off with his craft knife. I leave it as an exercise for the listener to determine where the female sprue might have been. And still on Page 18 Having gone a little off thread; God then immediately tries to draw us back in by injecting a little Deus Ex Machina into proceedings. A difficult trick in a book about the acts of God. But he pulls it off brilliantly by actually appearing [in the flesh] to Abraham complete with 2 [fleshy] Angels, and the four of them sit down under a tree and eat a hearty meal together Then, perhaps as compensation for forcing a wrinkly old man to hack off the end of his penis, God tells Abraham that he [God] will soon impregnate Abraham's wrinkly old wife. Sarah has a good laugh about this. She is 90 after all Page 20 God completely destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, and a few other cities Apparently he couldnt find 10 decent men there and so every decent woman, child and baby and every living thing required extermination. One assumes that S & G had spontaneously become sinful, otherwise God would surely have intervened in a lesser way at an earlier date. I mean it isn't like he enjoys wiping out people, is it?!? Before destroying the cities he does send in two angels to save virtuous Lot And the angels are not put off by the fact that Lot offers up his two young virgin daughters to be raped to death by a baying mob So God saves Lot his wife and two daughters [leaving the rest of their family to burn] And having saved the four of them, he turns Lot's wife into a pillar of Salt - for looking over her shoulder - the sinful bitch And of course the good man Lot then has sex with both his virgin daughters - what a good family it was that God decided to save. One can only imagine what the newborn babies and animals in S & G were getting up to if they deserved to be burnt alive and Lot and his sinful, incestuous bitches deserved saving. Bless the Lord. Page 22 God threatens to kill Abimelech for innocently taking Sarah, who was obviously improving with age. Why did Abimelech take her? Because Abraham had said she was his sister of course Which err... she was of course as well as his wife and about 100 years old And God sealed all the female wombs in Abimelechs house because of his innocent mistake. Even though God tells Abimelech that he knows he had done nothing sinful And God only opens the wombs after Abraham prays to him Page 23 God comes to visit 90 year old Sarah And she gets pregnant, with no assistance from Abraham required And thus was Isaac conceived. Sarai now decides that the slave she allowed her husband to rape and her 17 year old progeny should be banished. Abraham does not agree but God intervenes and tells Abraham That Sarai is perfectly correct in banishing the slave she submitted to rape and the 17 year old child that resulted from that rape Absurdly Hagar then bodily carries her 17 year old son off into the parched desert. And when their water is gone she throws him under a bush So either Hagar was one strong biatch Or Ishmael was one wimpy dude Hagar then departs as she does not want to see her 17 year old baby die But God appears and shows her a nearby well. And so Ishmael survives to become the forefather of the Arab races And hunt big white whales. Page 25 God orders Abraham to kill his son, only staying his knife hand at the very last moment apparently the whole thing is a test of Abraham's faith Now Abraham is over 100 years old And God has known him his whole life And being omniscient God knows precisely what is in Abrahams heart and that Abraham would do his bidding So this whole story is a pure act of mental torture perpetrated by God Page 26 Sarah dies at the tender age of 127 Page 27 and Abraham decides his 40 year old virgin son Isaac needs a wife and who better than kissing cousin So he sends off a slave to buy one from his brothers flock And he comes back with Rebekah, Isaacs 2nd cousin Page 30 Abraham, aged about 140, takes a new wife, Keturah And has six sons with her, and we can assume several daughters. Abraham snubs Ishmael, his firstborn, and makes Isaac his Heir And then dies at the age of 175 Page 31 And Isaac is impatient that Rebekah is barren after 19 years of marriage. God intervenes and Rebekah falls with twins She notices them fighting in her womb God tells her that they will always fight She gives birth to Easau and Jacob And some time later Jacob cons Easau into renouncing his birthright Page 32 Abimelech [remember him?] gets caught out again. Though he may just be a namesake. Isaac, a chip off the old block, tells Abimelech that Rebekah his wife is actually his sister which surprisingly she is not. But luckily Abimelech notices the deception early this time and no harm befalls his house. You would have thought that Isaac would have learnt not to carry out this deception from his father Abraham. After all the trouble Abraham caused Pharaoh and Abimelech And we must assume that Isaac knew these stories, or else how did Moses know of them all those years later when he hmmmm wrote the details down. Page 33 Easau upsets Isaac by not marrying a cousin and rather marrying two foreign bints Even though he was 40 and probably old enough to make up his own mind Jacob then tricks Isaac into believing he is Easau And Isaac, on his deathbed, make Jacob his heir, thinking he is making Easau his heir. When he realises he has been duped he does nothing. Even though he could simply have said Easau is my heir as I stated And Jacob would not have had a hairy leg to stand on. Absurd. Page 36 Isaac decides that it is time his 77 year old virgin son Jacob gets a wife So sends him off to marry a kissing cousin daughter of his mother's brother and of course 77 year old Isaac does exactly what daddy orders Page 38 Jacob meets and falls for cousin Rachel and agrees to work for her old man Laban for 7 years to get his girl But Laban tricks Jacob into marrying his younger cousin Leah So Jacob marries both his cousins and agrees to serve Laban for a total of 14 years He then gets busy bedding both of the sisters But God decides to make Rachel barren Whilst Leah spits out rug rats at an awesome rate Rachel get a little miffed and has Jacob rape her slave Bilhah so as to have a child with him by proxy. And just to be sure, Jacob carries on raping Bilhah and she has another child. Now Leah dries up, but not to be outdone, she passes her maid Zilpah on to Jacob. And Jacob rapes Zilpah too and she produces. And he rapes her some more And she produces again Then Leah does some praying and drops another one and another one and another And finally God gets round to removing his curse on Rachel and she had her first son; Joseph Jacob is now in his early 90's Rachel's father then tricks Jacob into working for him even longer and then tries to trick Jacob one last time with the old goat switcheroo God helps Jacob out by causing any Goat that looked at a stripey stick to have stripey kids. Jacob does a runner with his family and goats And Rachel's old man chases him. But they eventually part friends. Which leaves Jacob to try to make up with Easau. He is a bit scared of this So God helps out by popping down to earth and 97 year old Jacob and naked god spend a night man wrestling in the dark which god enjoy so much in the morning he changes Jacobs name to Israel And so that is the story of how this this lying, cheating, defrauding, stealing, bigamist, rapist became the figurative head of an entire nation



The Griffins and their friends, including Cleveland, tailgate at the New England Patriots game at Gillette Stadium vs. the Buffalo Bills. However, at the end of the game, the Patriots blow their chance to win, and lose their 10th straight game. At The Drunken Clam, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe angrily discuss the missed chance. During a postgame interview, Bills players C. J. Spiller and Mario Williams, voiced by themselves, attribute their win to God and Peter proposes they find and confront God about messing with their games.

Starting at a church, Cleveland enters in the style of Sherman Hemsley in Amen, but exits stating that there is a baby's funeral inside. They move on to Nashville, Tennessee to seek out Carrie Underwood, who attributes her success to God, but she doesn't know where God lives. Taking things to the extreme, they travel to Greece where they hope to run into success with the Greek Gods on Mount Olympus. They meet Chronos, the Titan of Time, on Mount Olympus, but he just gives Peter a gift basket and tells them the current time. Moving on to Israel, they find everyone is like Mort Goldman. In India, they decide that conditions are not fitting for God (including a theater where Aziz Ansari is performing) and leave. Back home at the Drunken Clam, Death stops in for The Cleveland Show and takes them on to visit God.

In Heaven, God meets them personally and Peter tells Him to quit causing the Patriots to lose, which God blames on coach Bill Belichick for not smiling. He agrees to give the Patriots a break if they make Belichick smile. Their attempt to make him smile is met with stiff resistance until he laughs at Joe's condition, and they finally succeed in persuading God to leave the Patriots alone, and God then tells Peter that he has a message from Conway Twitty, stating that Twitty just wants Peter to do a joke instead of a cutaway. Lois states to Peter that he should have asked more from God, Peter states that he did ask God something else; Meg starts to vanish from existence.


Kevin McFarland of The A.V. Club gave the episode a B, saying: "′3 Acts of God′ certainly has its moments where it touches the third rail and feels like Family Guy giving into its worst tendencies. Those brief scenes in Jerusalem and India specifically feel unnecessarily mean, as well as the final joke of what else Peter asked God about besides the Patriots. But more cutaways landed than many of the episodes I reviewed over the last two seasons, which made for a surprisingly pleasant visit back to Seth MacFarlane's main gig."[2]

The episode received a 2.3 rating in the 18–49 years old demographic and was watched by a total of 4.62 million people. This made it the most watched show on Animation Domination that night, beating American Dad!, Bob's Burgers and The Simpsons.[3]


  1. ^ "Family Guy Episode Guide 2014 Season 12 - 3 Acts of God, Episode 13". Retrieved 2014-03-17.
  2. ^ McFarland, Kevin. "Family Guy: "3 Acts Of God"". Retrieved 2014-03-17.
  3. ^ "Sunday Final Ratings: 'Once Upon A Time', 'Resurrection', 'America's Funniest Home Videos', 'Cosmos', 'American Dad' & 'Believe' Adjusted Up". Tvbythenumbers. Retrieved 2014-03-18.

CC-BY-SA icon.svg The plot description was adapted from 3 Acts of God at Family Guy Wiki, which is available under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 license.

External links

This page was last edited on 3 December 2018, at 19:38
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