Uganda Be Kidding Me: Live

Transcription

[Chelsea Handler] <i> "Wouldn't it be funny if I went to Uganda?</i> I've always wanted to know where rappers come from." "We'll go on one of those five-star safaris." And she was like, "These guys are gonna rape us." I go, "Okay, you can't say that. That's super racist. They're certainly not gonna rape us the day we get here." I own a lesbian that I purchased... She's got that lesbian vagina-out walk. And she said, "A lot of the people that I work with don't know that I'm a lesbian." I said, "Oh, really? Is that what you think?" The pussy's out of the bag. I don't pretend to live a legal lifestyle. Whatever you're thinking about saying, cut it in half and then don't say anything. Bleach my asshole, I'm not doing that. I'll put a Crest Whitestrip on there, but I won't bleach it. You go to Alaska and you think, "Oh, this is gonna be fresh and interesting," and then you meet... Alaskans. It's like they're Asian with a touch of the Down's. I hate PETA. I will eat a cat to piss PETA off. I would fucking feed a parrot to a cat, cook them both and then eat it just to piss PETA off, and send them a video. And I was just so happy when I got to Africa. I said, "We'll hook up with a safari guide." She goes, "You wanna go to the AIDS capital... of the world to hook up?" I said, "Yeah, I mean... Bring a condom. AIDS isn't gonna-- I'm not a quitter, bitch. Are you? Are you a fucking quitter?"