The Wizard of Oz (1985 video game)

Transcription

He's gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He'd rather have a buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He'd rather eat the rotten asshole Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He's the Angry Video Game Nerd You got a game, and a controller. That's the way it goes, but sometimes, that wasn't enough. Nintendo was always coming up with creative and unique ways to play games. Today, there's the Wii, and the DS stylus pen. But even in the early days with the NES, they were doing the same sort of thing. Some of them were pretty awesome at the time, but others were failed experiments that made you look like a jackass. So let's take a look at some of the NES accessories. I already talked about the Power Glove. We all know it's bad. So bad. Let's start with the Zapper. Back then, we just called it the gun, because that's what it is. There's nothing more satisfying than just shooting the fuck outta things. It was the quintessential gaming accessory. Almost every console had their own version of the gun. Only problem: it doesn't work so great anymore. Depends on the game, the kind of TV you're using, and the gun itself. I have three of them. The first one is completely random. Sometimes it makes its target, but most of the time it doesn't. The second one has a pattern. Every other round it like, goes dead. So here comes the two clay pigeons, I shoot 'em, no problem. Then the next ones come out, I can't hit 'em, even if I press the thing against the screen. The third Zapper has the same problem, except that the pattern's swapped. The fuck is going on? Even the alleged light bulb trick doesn't work. Here we have Wild Gunman. What, you gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy! Hey, get down! The Super Nintendo also had its own gun. More like a bigass bazooka, the Super Scope. If you're familiar with the Zapper, this one's a totally different story. The Zapper used light detection. That is, when you pull the trigger, the screen goes black for a fraction of a second and the targets become white squares. The Zapper detects whether or not it's pointing at the light, hence the term "light gun" that everybody likes to call it. But the Super Scope uses a sensor that you plug into the Super Nintendo, much like the Wii and its Wii Zapper. Another thing about the Super Scope is that it isn't powered by the NES. It's wireless, which you'd think would be cool, but that means that you gotta use six AA batteries, and this fucking beast drains them in a few hours. And why is the trigger on the top? It should be down here. This is balls. You'd think the Super Scope would be more reliable than the original Zapper, but it's not. Even if I point the gun in the same spot, the bullets just scatter all over the place. All because I'm using a flat-screen TV. Now let's look at the Miracle Piano. It's a miracle if I could figure this shit out. You might be thinking, "Wow, Nintendo had a piano?" Well, yeah. Nintendo had everything, but it was also available on other game consoles and home computers. It's got one game, which is basically a piano teaching tool. It's actually not bad. Well, that's really all there is to say. My only complaint is that the music comes from the keyboard, [piano note] which is okay, but the metronome comes from the TV, and that can be a little confusing. Other than having standard lessons, you also get this robot game. Play the song right, or the robot dies. Then there's a duck game. You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! [random piano notes] Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano! [random piano notes] Next, we have the Power Pad. You lay it on the floor, kinda like Twister. Let's pop in good ol' World Class Track Meet and have a race, jump hurdles, and do the long jump or triple jump. The present-day equivalent of the Power Pad is Dance Dance Revolution, and there will also be a version on the Wii. It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room, and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit, they hated it! Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it, makes me feel like having an anal evacuation. [panting] Fuck this! [deep breath] Yeah, it all comes down to tapping buttons. Which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the stupidest thing ever invented: the Speedboard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic! You attach your controller. You get it? In case you don't want to hold the controller with your hands? In case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table? Then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? Why in the ass would I need that? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max or NES Advantage. How could they even sell such a thing? Even though it's made by a third-party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles. Next up, oh boy, the Konami LaserScope. Now I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami. But this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire!" Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look so cool walking around, listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head! It also advertises that, "Parents will love what they don't hear". It says "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action," "non-players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone," "or have a conversation in the same room". Yeah. While you're saying, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" Kinda defeats the purpose, right? Fire! Fire! Fire! Fuck! I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!" Fuck! Fuck-fire! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! Fuck! Wow, I just shot down a duck by saying "Fuck!" Next is the Roll & Rocker. This thing is the biggest shit-biscuit I've ever seen. You stand on it, and supposedly, you rock back and forth, which controls the D-pad. The modern-day equivalent would be the Wii Fit. The Roll & Rocker is supposed to be compatible with every game for the NES, but I find that it isn't compatible with any of 'em. Each game responds differently, but none of them work. Adventure Island keeps walking right, Excitebike keeps going down, Skate or Die goes in circles, Kung Fu ducks to the right, Metal Gear does nothing at all, Ninja Turtles III walks in place, and 1943 just fidgets around a lot. It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing? Son of a bitch... Well, we might as well try an LJN game. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! Let's see if this works. No, of course not. It doesn't. It doesn't work. It just doesn't work. I need a beer. I'm drinking Rolling Rock... ...on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock... ...Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock, on the Roll & Rocker! I've also heard that you can't weigh more than a hundred pounds, but I still don't understand why I can't get any kind of response out of it. Let's try the cat. Get on there, ya little bastard. Cat's like, "Fuck that shit!" Even though the Roll & Rocker does absolutely nothing, the B and A buttons still work. Yeah, you plug the regular controller into it, So while you're standing on the thing, you still use the B and A buttons like normal. So even if it did work, what's the point? If I'm holding the controller anyway, why not just use the controller? It blows my mind, it's like, what were they thinking? One more, the U-Force. So hot, nothing can touch it. Nothing comes between you and the game. That's what the advertisement said. You open the thing up, it basically looks like electronic Battleship. It's got a three-dimensional invisible power field. Wow, a power field? Now we're literally playing with power. Come on, jump. Jump! Come on, Mario, jump! God, how do I jump? Come on, jump! Ass! Oh, jump is over here. Alright, here we go. Get the mushroom, oh- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot. I guess you can say I'm an assaholic. Let's try Kung Fu. Yeah, I'm honestly surprised. This thing kinda works. Looking at the instructions, each game has a specific setup and a switch combination. Kinda like the codes with the Power Glove. Punch-Out!! uses an upright position and a "Power Bar". Everything's always "power". What's so "power" about it? It's only a plastic bar, and why do you need it? Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about! This actually works! I'm punching somebody with the U-Force! Oh, watch out, oh- Get up, get up, get up! Alright. Alright. One more game. I can't believe we gotta touch this one again. Top Gun has an option of using this weird joystick thing. I don't see the point when I can just use an actual joystick. And what's really weird is that this thing, again, is just a piece of plastic. It doesn't have any wires connecting to it, you just plant it there. And the buttons actually work! And it steers okay, too. To tell you the truth, I'm stunned. Ass! So, that covers most of the dreaded NES accessories. But, I know that there's one in particular that I didn't mention, but, you know, can't do it all in one shot. So, we'll save it 'till later, I'll see you next time, I think you know what's next.